Anxiety:

Hands shaking, thoughts swarming, breath not reaching; just breathe, just breathe. 

I can’t get it out of my head, it’s like a hurricane up there.

Am I alright?

Did I do something wrong?

Do they hate me?

Oh look, they’re judging me again.

But just breathe… just breathe… 

 

I can feel my lungs burning with fiery air but I am still light headed.

The walls of my throat feel like they are closing up-

Am I still breathing?

Stars flying everywhere, I can’t even make out what they are trying to say.

My brain fills in the gaps with, “They are judging you. You’re a freak.”

 

Is that right?

Am I really a freak?

I mean I can’t even breathe properly but does that make me a freak?

Oh no,  my friends are going to leave me now that they know that I am a freak.

They have seen it with their own eyes so why would they want to stay with someone like me?

 

The caffeine seems to help a little bit.

But all I get in return is an addiction, because I rely on caffeine to keep me calm.

My head burns and flares with pain.

I can’t seem to do anything.

 

Let me just hide it.

 

Yeah, lets hide it.

 

But- No we are going to hide it.

 

Conversations with your brain seems like it wouldn’t be this tricky but wait- hold up- let me tell them my story.

I’m sorry…  my head seems to think that it can rule my world.

That’s just a recipe for an endless war.

Constant headaches only getting worse.

Huh… People always said that life is just one big headache.

Am I really going to survive this?

Is there no END TO THIS?!

Let me just say goodbye.

 

Nobody wants a defective kid right?

 

Right?

 

Wrong! 

See your friends will miss you, and yes your bully will make some sappy instagram post telling about how good you were.

Is that really what you want to see?

Your family will get hurt the worst.

It doesn’t matter if they are all blood related or not A FAMILY IS A FAMILY NO MATTER RELATION!
 

When we were young do you remember how our parents would always ask us if our friends jumped off of a bridge would you jump with them?

Yeah, my generation turned that answer into “Yeah mom… dad… I’ll be the one leading them.”

It’s not a joke anymore.

 

I had to sit by and watch my friend go into a depression because his best friend committed suicide.

Yeah I didn’t know the kid, but it still hit me like a brick.

I found myself not being able to get out of my bed.

My phone became a lifeline only to have it get taken away because I’m “Addicted”

And yes that didn’t help one bit, thank you Mom and Dad.

And I pulled myself out of my state of depression only to be pushed back into it because of quarantine shut-downs, and you taking away my phone.

See what they didn’t know was that my friends had to constantly deal with talking me out of hurting myself.

Yeah thanks for not helping with that Mom and Dad.
 

On a scale of one to mentally unstable, I am pretty much in the middle.

Losing you will just be the thing that pushes me off the edge into mental instability.

 

I get it.

The whole mental health thing.

I’ve been there.

I’ve experienced it first hand.

Wanna throw in bullying into the mix?

Yeah that was my life for five years.

 

But if I can make it out of it, so can you.

Your anxiety and depression does not control you.

Even if it feels like it does now, you can take back control.

But please, just stay… for me.