You have only known me while I grew up in a closet,

I feel like I’m alone, having no one to hold my hand,

No one to comfort me, or to tell me “I promise it’s going to get better!”,

There is only silence, 

Tears sliding down my face,

Wishing I could be hugged,

I hug my legs, and rest my head on them,

There is no rainbow- only grey clouds,

The colorless concrete walls closing in, 

I feel the heavyweight of the clothes fall on top of my head,

My arms stretched out horizontally, 

I push against the walls, but they feed off of my fear,

My breathing is getting faster, 

The room begins stealing my oxygen until I have no more,

The comments you make slowly reach to my beating life source,

surrounding it, then suffocating it to its last beat,

You terrorize my thoughts when you get defensive,

“It's out of love,” you say,

how can I believe such a thing when all you appear to be is the complete opposite of love,

I am there for you, even when I feel held down by chains filled with guilt and regret,

There is freedom in this life,

but you can never see who needs it most,

You blame others for your lack of care with words,

When it blows up in your face like a handful of sand,

the gritty, empty taste left in your mouth,

My love for you I feel like I have to make mandatory deposits,

It’s expected from others, but somedays I don’t have a sufficient amount

I feel like I pour my love out,

but when it comes time to care for myself,

there is no love left to give,

  When I talk to you I constantly feel apprehensive,

As if I might do something that lessens your love,

“Watch your mouth,” you say, 

Oh, you have no idea how much I do,

I look for the right timing,

With you, there is no good time to tell you this,

You will feel angry,

You may hit me, once more,

“Stop it!” I say, but you never listen,

You defend yourself over all else,

Talking to you is rough,

From my perspective,

You don’t care about how you affect others,

Losing you is something I just can’t afford,

I don’t want one mom, 

That’s not enough,

I need two,

I feel your love,

But “It’s hard!”, I explain,

Whenever I think of you,

I can’t focus elsewhere,

My anxiety rises,

I could be drowning and you wouldn’t notice,

All I feel is hurt,

I wish you could understand too,

You’re the one that is supposed to be the expert.