Dear   Mom
I   know   we’ve   lived   together   for   forever
You   think   you   probably   know   most   of   my   life
Right?
Wrong
There’s   so   much   I   never   told   you
All   the   times   I   cried
Things   I   hide
Like   when   I   slept   with   a   boy   even   though   I’m   a   lesbian
Or   being   12   years   old,   getting   in   a   fight   with   y’all
And   wishing   I   could   just   die
Having   the   urge   so   many   times   to   go   in   the   kitchen   and   grab   a   knife
Take   some   pills   or   do   a   dive
Ever   since   I   was   little,   I’ve   been   so   depressed
Stressed   about   money   and   love   and   how   I   look   in   a   dress
Hating   my   mirror   image   and   the   way   the   gears   in   my   body   turn
Taking   all   the   blame   for   everything   that   goes   wrong
And   you   didn’t   know   that
So   when   I   took   all   those   sleeping   pills   this   summer   you   just   cried
As   I   nearly   died   and   you   didn’t   quite   realize   why
Though   you   knew
Six   months   before   I   had   told   you   I   was   suicidal
I’d   been   asking   for   therapy   since   I   was   a   freshman
Mom   I’m   a   junior   now
Now   I   down   Effexor   to   keep   the   pain   at   bay
Though   I   fucked   a   boy   to   take   this   loneliness   away
Mom,   I’m   scared
All   I   want   to   do   is   drink   and   get   high
I’ve   never   done   either,   but   life   right   now   makes   me   want   to   cry<>I’m   sleep   deprived
Working,   doing   band,   going   to   school
No   offense,   but   technically   right   now   I   work   more   than   you
I’m   trying   to   take   my   time
But   ever   since   I   was   tiny   I’ve   known
That   one   day   I’ll   be   on   my   own
In   college   with   bills,   trying   to   buy   a   home
Cause   you   and   Dad   gambled,   got   into   debt
Paying   off   loans   still   to   this   day
And   sometimes   I’m   scared   we   won’t   be   able   to   pay
Mom,   I   know   you’ve   done   your   best   to   raise   me   right
I   love   you,   and   I   appreciate   your   care   and   your   insight
But   right   now,   I’m   so   messed   up
So   many   things   are   wrong
I don't know how to talk to you about it
Which is why I wrote you this poem.