You held me

 

You held me when I was strong

You held me

 

You looked at my face and told me how beautiful my smile was

You touched me

 

I let myself go

I gave you everything I had

I forgot my friends, my family, my life, my health.

You left me.

 

I fell.

I fell into space… a gravity free land.

My insides felt like they were exploding, my heart bursting out of my chest.  

My tears did nothing even though I thought they were supposed to wash the pain away

You broke me

 

As the months passed by I tried to move on

I did everything I could to fill the time

I couldn't be alone, for the second I was, I'd feel you staring into my eyes with the flames I thought were love but were really meant to slowly burn me.  

You burned me.

 

I would lay there

I'd lay there for hours trying to be productive, but it was no use. 

The jobs I picked up and achievements I made now feel like nothing

My nothing is an endless pit into which I will never come out alive or successful enough for you to say four words: "I'm proud of you"

No matter what I do

No matter what words I say or how hard I work to become something bigger than who I am, who he is, who she is, who we were. 

I come out with nothing. 

 

You come back to me begging for a chance.

Obviously you start by being nice just so I'll let you in

So you'll have another chance to accuse me of being the reason for your faults

As if my presence brings you down. 

As if I need to disappear for you to reappear. 

As if my eyes can't glimmer for fear their brightness might dim yours. 

Yet you tell me I make everything better.

What's better anyway?

Is better when I'm laying on the ground helpless and hurt while you stand above me proud of the pain I'm in?  

Is it better that you can go home with the satisfaction that you got what you want.

Is it better that this is now okay because I am numb to it?

Is that why it's so hard to cry anymore?

 

You lie to me. 

I push away, knowing what we had will no longer bring me fulfillment, but what am I?

For I've become an uneducated, unsuccessful, unattractive, uncaring, judgmental, manipulative, cruel, annoying disgrace of a human being… according to you. 

According to you no one wants contact or cares about anything I do.

 

Maybe you're right.  It's not like anyone ever asks what's wrong

For how would they even know?

That wide tooth smile is always painted on my face.

It's painted on my face every waking second of every lonely, empty day. 

 

I am a fool for fooling the world. 

Yet, it is so much easier for people to think you're fulfilled and happy when really inside you have never felt so alone or defeated or hurt or scared and I just want to go home, but I don't even know home is anymore.

Is it here?  Is it with my parents?  Is it at work?  What is home anyway?

 

They say home is where your heart is, but my heart is shattered.  My heart has been broken so many times that I don't know how to fix it anymore.  

Maybe my home is within myself.  Maybe my home is me.

But who is me?