What I Really Meant

When I said hello, I really meant
"Can I trust you?"
When I said let's talk politics, I really meant
"Let's test you."
When I said let's hang, I really meant
"I want to get to know you more."
When I said let's get breakfast, I really meant
"I like you."
When I said I had feelings for you, I really meant
"I have feelings for you."
When I said yes to being your girlfriend, I really meant
"Fuck yeah, I want to be your girlfriend."
When I said intimacy scared me, I really meant
"No one else has ever respected my boundaries."
When I said you were part of my community, I really meant
"You're part of my heart."
When I said I don't know if that was right, I really meant
"If I tell you the truth, will you judge me too?"
When I said things weren't working out, I really meant
"I'm scared."
When I said please stop saying not all men, I really meant
"Stop making my trauma all about you."

And after six months of silence,
When I finally said sorry, I really meant
"I fucked up."

If I had just given you the benefit of the doubt.
If I had just ignored my own insecurities and anxieties.
Because all of this could have been avoided
If I had just said what I really meant.

Because I didn't tell you I was afraid.
I didn't tell you about my trauma.
I didn't tell you anything.
Because I still worry about being that girl.

The girl who is broken by her past.
The girl who can't take care of herself.
The girl who doesn't let anyone in.

Just because I am not that girl
Does not mean that I'm perfect.
And you never asked for perfection,
But unfortunately I did.

Because you deserve a perfect girlfriend.


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