Watching you struggle hurts.
No words come to my lips
as I want to help you, see you in person.
I want to make your hurt go away,
to help you see through the hateful words you sent me,
to make you realize there is a reason to live
and enjoy life.
But I am speechless nevertheless
as you text that you want to die, but you cannot kill yourself because of the pain.
A phone call does no justice at first.
Hearing you cry hurts even more.
I do not know what to say.
Later I reread your texts again
I am scared. I don’t know what to do.
I sit on my bed holding my phone,
crying for you.
I need to reach out,
I know I do, but I am speechless.
But I do reach out. I just want to help you.
A long conversation with my RA helps
put the words in my mouth that I need to say.
I know I must say something, despite how hard it is
to even speak a single word.
But yet she gave me the confidence that I needed.
With trembling hands and tears flowing from my eyes,
I take a deep breath,
push the talk button,
and call you.
There is a frightening silence
filling the spaces between my questions
and your answers.
I ask you if you are planning on committing suicide.
The answer is no. You say you cannot kill yourself.
I suggest professional counseling.
You respond positively.
And I get a twinge of hope that everything may turn for the better.