Pay No Attention

Pay no attention to the cracks in the facade

Please ignore the holes in the wall
Look here at the revolving door
Of who I am for you all
I have multiple personalities 
I wear them like I dress
Respective to each situation
I always look my best
For my parents I’m the golden child
I listen well, I always smile
I had good grades and tested well
Did sports and theater, friends to tell
I had so much potential 
That I could do something about
But I found within myself
Something dying to burst out
So I found my second self
In bad habits that I made
In the morning and at night
Things that made my life force fade
I told some friends cause I thought they’d be 
Impressed at what I’d done
Until I got much worse and then I stopped telling anyone
Of what I’d do at night to feel alright
Because I was on fire
This couldn’t be all that was me
Just trying to get higher
And with great force I shut the door on my second self
It was time I found me, just in somebody else
So I found myself in music
And a future I could love
I was quiet and shy and deep in my mind
But I was starting to rise above
I endeared myself to everyone
I made myself important
I was learning what true happiness was
At least I was doing something
I was quiet, a bit shy, and out of my mind
By the end of my freshman year
A summer away from my college baes 
I didn’t think would be so strange
But I’m here, my dear, with eyes and ears
Wide but not so quiet.
I know what I’m about know
I can be quiet but I’m loud
I’m dynamic now, and proud
My friends call it ‘professional asshole’
I’m full to the brim with sarcastic quips
And a biting sense of humor
But they love me because I’m still sweet
And kind and so endearing
Little do they know 
It’s all for show
They don’t know what I’m fearing
Like the future
And the past
And if my happiness will last
If I’ll ever find someone to share my life
If I’ll have a life worth sharing
If someone's capable of caring
Because I put on a good show
And a heavy mask
But if someone knew
The right questions to ask
They’d find that I’m lying
And quite scared in fact
Because I always want to go back
To bad habits I made years ago
Little does anybody know
That’s still who I am behind the sham
Behind the curtain
I'm quite certain
I'm not just shy and in my mind
I hate myself for every mistake
For every wrong choice that I make
Each off beat word and turn of phrase
I regret for endless days
And the anger aimed in at myself
Would be crippling directed at anyone else
Why can't I be perfect
Why can't I be golden
Why can't I be who I was, clever and open
Why must I be secret
Why must I hide
Why do I have to feel this way inside
But that's not your concern
It's not your disease
So feel free to forget this poem, if you please
Just brush it aside and pull the curtain closed
Smile at my wit and smirk at my prose
I'll try to be cute and I'll try to be clever
I'll be the best Wizard
That Oz has had, ever. 


Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741