I remember wondering if my father could hear my heart pounding, then realized it didn't matter. I realized that nothing mattered anymore. 

When you're being smothered, you can feel and hear your muffled screams on your face while you are twisting and wreathing away from the heavy weight that is holding you so tightly to death. And once again, I was in a literal dance with death. 

As you slowly suffocate, you are kicking and beating with your arms and legs as hard as you can. The harder you kick, the less you can breath, until it all becomes a slow motion dance as you wind down with only your useless thoughts accompanying you to your death. 

It's been an eternity and as your lungs and your face burns hotter than hellfire, you are now praying for the death that just moments ago you feared. 

Thoughts are racing so fast that you can't comprehend them. Why me! Why me! OH my god, I'm dying. I remember wondering who would find me dead in the morning. 

For a very brief moment, I got to make apologies to my brothers and sister for not being able to save them and to God for not being good enough to save. 

But to my father, 'I hate you, I hate you, I should of killed you in your sleep when I had the chance'. 

The sparkles and swirls of light are all gone and someone has suctioned all of the air from your body and lungs. They burn, they burn. There is no strength left in your body. The blackness is fading in and out, you can't scream, you can't move and your face has been burned by fire. Where did the fire come from? 

You hear laughter from Satan the devil, he is burning you in hell. All you can smell is your rotten disgusting breath and then finally, nothing. You are flowing, flowing with warmth throughout your entire body, then, after the explosions, nothing.The blackness takes over. 

To this day, I don't know what the explosions were at the end. But they were always there at the very end. Blessedly, I never remembered what my father did to me after I had passed out, and only bits and pieces  of what he was doing as I slowly came back to life.