That pain that I felt

That pain that I felt in my chest yesterday

is in my gut today

And I don't know if it's the heartbreak 

moving through my veins into other parts of me

or if it happens to be the alcohol

I've kept my count, yeah

The last four weeks have been hell on my immune system

And I've been hell on my liver

I shake from withdrawl, from a lack of, from thirst

A few bottles of water

A lot of bottles of something else

They can't read my eyes when they're glazed over

I was going to stop it all, the drinking

I was going to be careful because I'd never do to you

What your father did

I wouldn't let it get the best of me

I'd be dry, clean, sparkling even

Never again would a beer pass my lips

Never again would wine touch my tongue

Except by the Holiest's command

but that would be it, the end, no more

Well, you aren't around to stop me now, are you?

You aren't around to keep me from drowning, are you?

I'm greasy, oily, fiflthy on the outside

But my insides are cleansed in the drink of the Lord

And I wanna get clean, I wanna be okay

But I don't have to anymore

When no one is pushing me to be better

I'll jump of my own volition in the opposite direction

When there's no way to go up

I'll force myself down and down and down

I know they'll never find this poem, and you won't either

Because I never want you to

I don't want you to know how close I was to letting you save me

I won't give you the credit

And I wont let you know how far I am from God now

You didn't want to be my sin

well trust me, you aren't

I took care of that all on my own, by myself, no help

So if you'll excuse me I have a bottle opener to find

And a final paycheck to drink away

I have a mind that needs numbing and lungs that need slowed

I have a body that needs forgotten and, over everything else,

I have a heart that needs healing

So in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, Amen

Heavenly Father, bless this wine

bless this glass, bless this bottle

Because I won't be drinking any Holy Water tonight

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