Something that I can't live without is the idea that my child knows I love her, and that I'm sorry.

I was 23, too young to be

Your mother

Living a life

Wild and free

Reckless, like any other

Traveling between

Countries and dates

Times in space

Marriages and race

I couldn’t do it alone

Or maybe I could have

I beg your forgiveness

I know that I shouldn’t have

It’s not your fault

-- and maybe you’ll never know --

After all,

You were only an embryo

I saw you at six weeks

and at eight

Trembling between my fear,

Self-hate;

Then imagining your tiny baby feet

Your moreno skin against mine

So pale

Your tiny body

So frail

Yet so perfect

How can I think this way

and still not have you?

How can I love you, and feel like your mother

when I know you’re not here?

How can I forgive myself for making the best decision

at the time?

When will I know if I made the right choice?

I wait and I travel and I buy and I study

Hoping for a sign that it’s all okay

With each day that passes, I still don’t know

But I can’t forget you;

I won’t.

I’ll keep you forever

In my heart,

but not my arms,

my Sarai

I beg of you,

Please

Remember that mommy loves you,

Even though

She was

Only

Twenty-three.