It’s really nice to see you again, though you are wallowing in self pity
I could smell the alcohol from the driveway as you sauntered your way in through the door
I can’t say it wasn’t always like this, because in a way it always was
You stand in front of me apologizing to me, saying you are sorry, crying with no real purpose,
At the time I don’t understand, because why are you saying you are sorry, you are still here,
You are not leaving me behind, You always come home. My mom always come home.
But I guess I should have expected change,I should’ve expected in a way abandonment
I guess with all things considered I walked away first, i was trying to take care of myself,
Make sure I was able to eat every night, and sleep in a room where the windows could close in the winter or could be shut at all.I suppose if you want to hear the truth I was the first to shut you out.
But every wall I built up could have crumpled down in a millisecond if you put down the bottle and thought about me for a change, About my well being
I was often told rumors about how you were, I didn’t believe them at first because I had the right to my own opinion of you and at the time you always came home. MY mom ALWAYS came home.
But then you didn’t and I learned the truth,I learned the difference between opinion and fact.
I learned that if I wasn’t around, if I wasn’t such an obligation you wouldn’t come home.
So I left, I live my dad now and it’s good, there is always food on the table, and the windows can shut out the cold. I still saw you every chance I got, though we always met at a bar it was better than nothing. But then you left, When I left, it was 20 minutes away, you went 4 states away. You left with a man you say you love because he makes you feel smart when you compare yourself to him, but what am I supposed to think.
That your ego is more important than seeing your daughter's 15th, 16th, 17th birthday,
That a man you do not truly love is more important than me.
I was raised by kids movies to believe that a mother’s love was undying, but did yours ever begin?
I am doing much better now, I don’t cry unless I am feeling weak, and when I do I try not to call out to you. Sometimes I’ll find myself not eating, waiting and thinking that maybe you will wander in with a to go box with an order of popcorn chicken and seasoned fries from the bar,
I’ll find myself losing sleep because I wait and lay in bed waiting till all hours of the night just to hear you come in the door just so I know you came home safe. I find myself hoping to hear screams between you and another because then at least I will know you are here, that you did not leave.
I wish day and night sometimes that you would come home. Like you used to, you used to always come home.
But I know you will not come in that door, I know I will not hear the screams, I know you won’t come home.
But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I was still your obligation