my brain awoke, but my eyes stayed shut. it felt as if 100 lb dumbells hung from my eyelashes, streatching them across my face. my muscles were extremely tense, to he point that i even consider the possibillity that i had become a charactor in a saw movie, and they replaced my arms and legs with woden beams. i wanted to streatch, to move, to losen up just the slightest-but suddely, i hear my mothers voice to my left. along with it, there is a gruff, masculin voice...unrecognisable to me.... i want to siglal to her that im awake, so she may help me up or something...but when i very slightly moved my arm, there came a sudden shock of pain in the creace f my elbow that weighed it down.
it all came flooding back to me, the panic, the anxiety, the razor, the tile floor...
slightly confused and in a daze, i listened into my mother and the mans conversation
she seemed controlled before, but her tone gradually shifted to whimpers, and baby sobbs."i dont know where i ernt wrong...i knew it i just knew it all along...i did nothing, i swear i thought shed grow out of it i swear i-"
the man cut her off," mam, please"- theres a moment of silence, like hes handing her a tissue-"its not your fault."
"shes nto safe with me, i failed as a mother i cant have her with me anymore she needs...she needs help!"
and you figure this out now.
" i understand, and agree t the fullest extent" replies the man, which i now procieve to be the doctor. i hear paper crumpling untill it gows silent again. "heres a brochure to friendly skies rehabillitation center and institution"
frindly skies? rehab? what am i, an alcaholic, or addicted to druggs?
mom tunes back in after blowing her nose. "are you suggesting i lock her up?"
"shell find help here. shell be around the most professional phsycologists and doctors who will anylise her and figure out a personall self help plan for her. its her best option."
there is silence.
suddenly, rage engulfs me. hw could she, after all shes done to me, loch me up in a looney house?! just throw me out because im too much responsibillity?! she wouldnt...i know she wouldnt...i know it...
the doctor again takes the silence and snaps in in two like a toothpick.
" if you need a payment plan or something in that area we can work it out. theres many ways to-"
"i would pay anything."
i was in disbeliefe. she was actually considering it? she ACTUALLY thought that locking me away and throwing out the key was a solution! she thought that maybe if my every mve i ever do is monitered and im poked and prodded and handled with rubber gloves like a fuckign test rat ill STOP hating myself?. no. she had her chance to help me. she saw my hips, what the razors had done, she was told my my sister of the box-cutters rusting in the shower. she never even spoke to me. she never even cared. but i guess i have to almost die to get anyone to admit that maybe there is something wrong with me, abd im not just a melodramatic baby.
my chest begins to weigh down on me and i cant breath, and my body lets out an uncomfortable moan. my mother hears, i know because i can hear her berkinstocks squeek across the floor to my bedside, and she sits herself my my hip. ow.
"hey baby. hows my winnie?" she choks out over her own tears.
i want to tell her the pain she scausing me. not even with the whole mentaal asylem thing, just the fact that as she sat down i slightly rolled over on my side, my stomach felt as if it was ripping appart slowly
i put ourth all of my energy and gve all i had t try to get her to stand up so i didnt have to be i in this position anymore, "belly" . wow, exhausting.
"oh im sorry baby." she stands up. "you have stitches. thats all. sont be too worried."
she hasnt called me baby since i was four.
no one understands. i was free. i had finally sicceeded in what ive always wanted to do. and they "fixed" me? no. they just threw me back into the jail cell after id finally gathered the courage to escape. i couold be in "jesus's paradise" right now, dancing on a cloud with my great great great great great great grandparents. but because of her, im paralysed in an uncomfortable hospitle bed with stitches burning my insides out.i wish i could pop them all open right here, and i could melt out of this already ruined carcase that used to be me. i wished my could leave here, and they could take my empty body and run all the tests and cerculations and labs on it that they want to. i wish i had just a few more minutes to cmpletely bleed out before someone found me. i wish i was free.