My Sun


I wish I never woke up.

I can only lie here and pretend you're here.
I imagine you lying on your back, and I wrap my arm and leg around your body.
I nuzzle my face on your side as you place your arm around me.
I inhale your spicy and exotic scent and sigh deeply.

I open my eyes.

Your shirt is clutched to my breast.
My face is resting on the pillow you used to use.
I am in a cocoon made from my comforter, and you're not here.

My face is always sore.

Hot tears burn my face as they roll down my check.
I bury my face into your old pillow to wipe away the tears, which reminds me of how you promised to always be there to wipe them away.
I guess in a sense, you still do.
I flip the pillow to the cold side to soothe the burning of my face.

I still feel you.

I still feel like you will appear in bed at any moment.
I can almost imagine that your hand is rubbing my side up and down and that you are kissing the top of my head while telling me not to cry.
I concentrate on this beautiful fantasy to lessen the ache in my heart.

You're still not here.

I force myself to roll over and look a the clock.
4:00 A.M.
The latest I've slept in since that night.
Maybe this will get better.
Maybe I can finally start trying to move on with the futile plight of my human existence.
I still feel like it is not worth it without you.

I wish I never woke up.

I don't won't to be here.
I want to be wherever you are, be it heaven, hell, or purgatory.
You took the sun with you and I am in a darkness that threatens my very existence, yet... you left me with three small specks of light, three tiny stars, three beings that keep me going.
I must not be selfish now when they need me more than I need you.

I must wake up.

I do it for them.
Even if my moon is never full again without your sunlight, I must do it for them.
I must eat.
I must work.
I must bathe.
I must fight the urges to end it all.
For without me, they would have nothing left of you to hold onto.


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