Dear God (if you are even there)
The world is cruel
Most people realize this at a young age
Well at least I did
When I was young, everything seemed so big
The world was mine for the taking, right at my fingertips
I was free to run, jump, to dance in the sun!
The world was filled with fairytales
Dragons and princesses I had hope
A hope that one day I’d be swept off my feet by a knight in shining armor.
But then, it all came crashing down.
Into the dark pits of hell where I realized.. There is no one there to save you.
A nine-year-old should not have to go through that
That invasive abuse
Words that feel like fists
phrases cutting into my mind like a knife
causing more damage than a bruise could ever bring.
I was trapped
Gasping for breath
Holding myself so tightly suffocatingly tight so I wouldn’t break into millions of pieces.
A nine-year-old, should not have to feel that.
The world is cruel.
Children get beaten, go hungry, go unloved
People get mugged, murdered, and raped
For the guilty go unpunished and the world needs proof!
Proof of my scars of the abuse given upon me.
But my abuser, older, kind to the public eyes.
Said it never happened
Said I’m crazy
Says these wounds are self-inflicted
Because a nine-year-old would throw themselves against a wall.
Because a child would give themselves a black eye
Bruises to hide at school
Forever wearing a long-sleeved shirt for the fear,
The threats given behind closed doors.
OH, The things that would happen if anyone ever found out.
I remember when I was trapped
How could I forget
The loneliness of isolation.
The hours spent trapped in the cold dark garage.
The crushing fear a child feels in the dark.
But I was more afraid of when that door would open and my true nightmare would step through it.
Family shouldn’t do that.
Fathers are supposed to treat their little girls with care.
Not scream such horrible things, throw objects at them or slam them around!
You see, most kids are afraid of the monster under their beds. Not the one sitting on the couch.
I hate it.
I hate society,
How the courts, how the public always turns a blind eye!
People are suffering and no one is doing anything about it!
Of trying to get better only to be torn back down
Only to be thrown back into the deep dark waters of depression
Not telling never to speak up
Because it is not socially acceptable to answer that I am not okay!
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Yeah right.
Words can tear your walls down, make you feel bare, completely exposed
Scars of the body will heal scars of the heart destroy.
He screamed always screamed such horrible things.
No one loves me
No one cares
I SHOULD JUST DISAPPEAR!
Slowly I began to believe him
I started to bend
To buckle so gracefully it almost seems good
But, it was not
My mother used to explain strength
She would say to be strong was to be like a house in an earthquake to never fall
Well sorry mom, but I fell
I fell so quickly so surely
It was like love at first sight
But instead of falling into love
I fell into despair
A despair so dark so deep it was suffocating
I couldn’t breathe couldn’t think except not about anything but the pain I was feeling deep in my core so close the hug with darkness seemed to taint my soul.
You see the thing about depression is that it's invasive
Like parasite, it latches into your brain
Slowly and meticulously it eats away at your sanity
Until you can’t take it anymore.
Until you can’t stand the way people stare at the scars
Like its contagious something to catch
I could not handle ripping myself from the comfort of sleep,
Every morning only to experience the horrible realizations of reality
How children, teens, even adults feel that the only way to end this pain is through death
And that’s exactly what I did,
God, if you are there, I'm sorry. I know its a sin
to kill yourself.
but the burdens... the pain was too much to bear.
and sadly it’s one of those things that when you try to explain
it the words never quite match.
And that is the pain of living.
Sincerely the unloved and depressed