March 8th, 2016

Our principal announced it on a Tuesday,

His somber tone echoing through the hallways.

The boy I loved was never coming back again,

Something awful had happened to him.

Chaos erupted around me, but I sat still.

Tears, hugs, conversations about him.

They began to talk about him in past tense.

He “was” such a nice guy.

 

No. NO, I thought.

Not my crush.

Not the one boy that I liked.

There had been some mistake.

I sat in silence,

My eyes remained dry.

Then I saw my friend, who said to me,

“You were the first one I thought of,

When they said his name.”

Then the tears didn’t stop until the tissue box was empty.

 

I never knew why I didn’t cry at his funeral.

All my classmates were a mess,

I just sat there, emotionless.  

I stared at his unrecognizable face in the casket,

My chest aching, my heart breaking.  

The tears came later,

When I was alone.  

 

I had a crush on this boy,

Everyone knew it.

I gushed about him to my friends at lunch,

When he was sitting ten feet away.

Now his seat is empty,

No one dares to sit there.  

 

Now and then I see him,

A lock of blond hair, a flash of flannel.

My heart skips a beat when I think I see him.

He was perfect.

Talented, yet humble.

Outspoken, yet intelligent.

Reserved, yet friendly.  

 

His best friend probably died on the inside,

When he passed away this spring.

I felt like my whole world collapsed.

A simple crush turned into something I’ll never forget.

This boy will never graduate,

Never go to prom, get married or grow up.

 

My 2016 has been excruciatingly painful,  

Filled with sorrow and loss.  

I felt as if there was no hope for me to go on,

When my crush died.

I picked up a knife in my kitchen,

When I was home alone.

Tracing the blade gently with my fingertip,

I imagined plunging the tip into my chest.

Pain and sorrow were bountiful in my life,

I wanted it to all be over.

Then, I put the knife back in its place.

No, this is not who you are, I thought.

You will get through this, you always do.

 

On that day, I almost ended my life.

My greatest enemy is my own self, my own lying mind.

However, I am strong and resilient.

I have come this far and I choose to go further.  

I choose to go on, no matter the lies from my mind.

 

When he died, I felt numb.

I was changed forever.

Even though I experienced a great loss,

I choose to go on, to heal and to grow.

There will always be a place in my heart,

For a boy with the last name Goodhart.

This poem is about: 
Me

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