“Ariel!” Prince Eric shouts to his fair maiden after Ursula kidnaps her back to the sea.

Eric jumps in the water with the appearance of aiding.

Battle after battle, breath after breath.

He is held so tight, he escapes,

And finally, he steers a ship's mast into her heart.

 

Ursula falls, mortally wounded to his belief.

And when the lovers unite,

“Ariel, thank goodness you are ok, you forgot to give me my iPod.”

 

“What? I put it in my dress pocket so it is on the ship But-”

“Oh goodness Ariel! You can’t just leave my iPod in random places!

I have porn on that thing!”

“But Eric-”

“Ariel, I thought I warned you when I gave it to you in the first place”

“Eric please-”

“Just go get it, Ariel.”

 

“ Eric, I thought you loved me.”

“Well… not really. You know, I just wanted to have a good time.

*Wink wink, hip thrust hip thrust*

I never actually wanted any real lasting commitment,

It’s not really my thing.”

*Shivers*

 

Now suddenly in tears, our fair - no longer untouched - maiden hands back the iPod and shimmies back into the sea.

“It was nice to become acquainted with you Ariel!” Prince Eric shouts.

 

--- many days later ---

 

“I just wanted him to love me like I love him.” Ariel mewls as tears stream down her face.

“Now now daughter, don’t you worry. I know how to seek vengeance amongst the mortals.”

King Triton waves his triton to open the doors and in comes Ursula, ready to claim another soul.

 

“Let’s get going Ariel, you prince charming has something coming for him.”

*insert evil laugh here*

 

--- the next day ---

 

Eric wakes up with a faint feeling of emptiness. Like something is missing.

Oh wait, something is.

 

Now, there shall be no more little “Eric”s in the future.