I don’t know if any of you have noticed
But there are different levels of crazy
Personality wise, there are a couple different steps.
Whenever I meet someone new for the first time
I’m still on level one.
Will they like me?
Accept the weirdness that’s usually accompanied by huge hand gestures
And messed up words?
Will they laugh at me?
Or with me?
The first step is evaluating, calculating, speculating.
To see if I can really- truly- be myself.
I don’t want to be put away
Played with, chewed on and placed back on the shelf.
I want to BE myself.
I have to stay on level one.
So I force myself to be quiet
And portray that one girl in the movies
Who never craves attention like a fish craving for water
I try to be the type of girl who gains it by how she holds herself
How she speaks and how she acts.
I think to myself,
I should be an actress.
Because everything in the movies aren't real
And the way I act isn't real either.
Does anyone notice the kindling flame burning deep within my eyes?
When someone raises their head and laughs
And everyone else laughs
Except for me?
I must, I NEED, to act it all out.
And I need to put that fire within me out too.
So I throw all the opinions, critiques and harsh jokes
Over that ridiculous flame.
Because if I don’t
Everything starts to change.
The way people talk to me, the way they see me
And the way people think of me.
That little flame seems to burn brighter
Like a lighthouse after a stormy night.
Those days I try to close my eyes.
Hide it all away with my own harsh winds of words
My own heavy downpour of memories
And my own rumbling thoughts of insecurity.
I try to create a wall.
And I think it starts to work
Until a slip of a word
A gesture of a hand
Or a ridiculous expression
Gives someone a tiny glimpse of the inner me.
That’s when I know
I look around into the world in which these people exist in.
If they stay after that slip up.
If they really DO stay
I know they've passed to the next level.
Or maybe three.
As the night goes on
My stormy wall begins to crack.
My eyes begin to open and that little fire begins to burn brighter.
I start to smile wider, speak faster, and react quicker.
If no one seems to care
They go on to the next level.
When I finally begin to leave that cocoon of “coolness”
I start to feel those cold hands of insecurity grudgingly let go.
I start to feel those judging eyes slowly begin to close.
And I’m finally happy.
So even if you’re on level 2,3,5,6, or 10
You just need to remember
There will always be at least one person
Who will walk with you
Up your weird levels and steps of crazy.