A Letter to My Only Regret

dear regret,

first off i know that calling you a regret seems a bit harsh, i am aware how that must make you feel. but ive come to the conclusion that any other name i could call you would be much harsher, thus why i chose the softest name. a soft name for the boy who gave me soft hugs. but youre no boy.

 there was a time in my life when i had convinced myself that you werent even human. i could only believe that you were a demon sent to torture me. thats different now, i know that youre human. otherwise you wouldnt have made the same mistakes you had.

ive tried to avoid writing this letter for as long as i could, but once you tried reaching out to me i couldnt avoid it any longer. the memories of you burn in my head like wildfires. sometimes its as if theyre just that, only memories. only things i can look back on and acknowledge that they happened and move on. but other times they engulf me quicker than bath water and fill my lungs with liquid fear and nitrogen. every day it lingers in the way i walk and how i can only wear long sleeved shirts and jackets.

i have so many questions for you- do you know? do you know what you did to me? do you think you used me? have you used others? how many? are you satisfied? will you ever be satisfied? did you hear me? did you listen? are you listening to me? when i left your heart, did i leave flowers or pools of blood in my place? how long did it take for you to realize that what you did was wrong? are you aware that every time i see you or smell your cologne i want to rip my skin off? how are you? are you okay? do you need a hug? ill give you one, but i wont like it. if you dont mind, is it okay if you dont stand so close anymore? i cant stand it.

it still haunts me. i cant get it out of my head. i can still feel my body pressed against the wall, your hands searching for what you want. i remember realizing that what was happening didnt feel right and i told you no but you didnt stop. i thought that meant it was going to be okay. i thought i could trust that you would listen. maybe its my fault for not being clear enough, maybe i shouldve been more forceful, maybe i shouldve tried again but i went completely numb. i dont remember feeling your hands anymore. i only remember the sound of my heartbeat speeding up and the smell of your cologne filling my lungs and the cool, sickening breeze of the wind send chills up my spine. i couldnt even cry. looking back, it makes me feel sick. knowing that you had possession of my mentality and emotions for so long. knowing that youre the reason for half of the scars that cover my thighs and arms. its disgusting how i let you take over my life.

do you remember the sweatshirt hanging on my closet door? do you remember the day you gave it to me? you told me it didnt fit you anymore, but we both knew that wasnt true. i felt so small in it. i thought that it was threaded and stitched with love, but the purple stripes now look grey and it seems ive shredded the sleeves in frustration. ive ripped out the string from the hoodie and tied it around my finger as a reminder to never forget. never forget those nights and your hugs and the burning sensation in my lungs from the cologne you wear. and i swear if you dont look me in the eyes the next time i see you im going to scream. because youre the one who was in the wrong, not me. im the one who should be making you feel this way, you should be the guilty one. but instead im laying here piecing together excerpts of the journals ive written on my walls as to find a way to make you understand the feelings ive never been able to say out loud. i hope you appreciate the pieces of drywall ive been sending you. because now my home looks exactly like the ribcage you shattered to get to my heart.

ive tried to say goodbye to you, ive tried and tried and tried but you always seem to be present in my mind one way or another. whether its by panic attacks or the dim-lit hallway that i refuse to go near. to put things simply, youve ruined me. i can no longer enjoy pleasure given to me because all i can think about is you and your hands taking away my dignity. i feel as if i cant break down in anyones arms anymore without hearing your voice. i wish i could forget that year, even though it had a large impact on me. you are a part of my past and ill never forget it. and although it still makes my heart hurt from time to time, i forgive you. i cannot forget it, but i can forgive. youre human and people make mistakes, even big ones. but i want you to know that im still healing. i dont love you like i used to. i hope youre doing well. goodbye.

sincerely, your only regret

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