Letter To My Father

Wed, 07/30/2014 - 14:20 -- tjl11

Dear Dad,

You know how much I miss you,

But being a good father to your kids had always been an issue,

Mom used to say that you were just a drug addict,

No doubt about it you were stuck on bad habits,

Dope is the devil and a fiend just gotta have it,

When they can’t have it events become tragic and vision gets static,

Locked behind bars for nearly half of my life,

You had a wife and two kids you chose the crack with a pipe,

Had the best of both worlds you chose wrong over right,

I wish heaven had a comp so we could talk over Skype,

Bad decisions good intentions was the way that you lived,

But it’s hard to forget call it quits and forgive,

I can understand now but never did as a kid,

All I feel now is guilt and it makes me sick,

You see I was visiting and found your gun in a bin,

Should have taken it when I had the chance,

But I didn’t recognize the purpose right at first glance,

I was just a little boy up in elementary,

Got a call over the intercom didn’t think it was meant for me,

Should’ve never happened maybe it was meant to be,

Meant for me, fucked me up mentally,

I wouldn’t wish this shit upon my very worst enemy,

Died at 42 that’s not even half a century,

No one really understands what you really meant to me,

At the office my mother was covered in tears,

She looked around aimlessly trying to explain to a 7 year old why his father wasn’t here,

Suddenly it became quite clear why that gun was in your apartment when I visited there,

I didn’t understand it then, but I think I do now,

You see I know I share the same tendencies that you do,

That’s why I try to avoid the drugs and alcohol I know what you went through,

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about doing it too,

It’s the easy way out, right dad,

Tell me is that true?

Before you pulled the trigger did you at least think about us,

Or were you too busy fucking your life up,

And I thought this wound would’ve healed by now,

13 years how many more I gotta count?

The rage is coming out,

If I ever saw you again I’d do it myself,

Cause I’d rather you be murdered than the coward you are,

Tell me dad did I just take it too far?

I wish you knew how much I really loved you,

I wish you could walk with me and talk to me and be the father you should be,

This kills me inside, sometimes I don’t even wanna be alive,

Behind these blue eyes a pain lies deep,

A pain I keep hidden, no one can ever see,

Dad, you weren’t there to teach me how to throw my first ball,

And you won’t be there to pick me up the next time I fall,

Why? Why me? I’m crying on the inside but you’ll never see,

Dad, I would give my life back for yours,

Someday I’m going to be the father you never were,

I’m gonna tell my kids about you and never leave their side,

Because of you I’m in pain till I die,

You being a drunk we all paid the price,

The nights I used to stay up and cry I wondered why you never loved me,

Now I don’t even love myself,

So dad how the fuck am I supposed to love anybody else?

My heart is now numb,

Can’t think of anything else so I guess this letter is now done,

I’m 21 but I feel like my life just began,

Can’t talk to you in person so I wrote you a letter man


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