I'm sorry I'm not perfect,
I don't work hard enough
And I only care for "nonsense."
But I've always wanted to look
Like the girls on the t.v.
Haven't you ever dreamed
Of being a beauty?
I'm sorry for the day
You found out I was bi.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry"
Is all I could manage to lie.
But your words bruised
Black and blue.
Why couldn't I just be honest
"Look at me mommy.. Please look."
I'm sorry for those guys hurting you.
But mommy, can't you see you've hurt me, too.
Why was I weak when the boys hurt me?
Weak still, when the school kids tortured me?
Why was I a bitch when I just wanted your attention?
When awful words about me were all you could mention?
Why was I a whore, when I could barely spread my thighs?
And the day I learned how,
Mom, I'm sorry that I lied.
But he called me, mommy,
That same night.
He told me he didn't love me, and,
Mommy, I cried.
For months and months, but I learned
Alone, I would survive.
I know you know the feeling, mommy,
but you don't try to compare.
All those nights I cried alone to my pillow in bed.
Thoughts of never leaving manifesting in my head.
I wished I could have cried to you, instead.
"But you know that's not an option," I said.
Keep the tears to yourself,
It's just what I was taught.
Head up and shoulders back.
Look like what you're not.
I wished I could tell you,
When he lied about the condom.
But I sucked up the tears
And hid my feelings in my pocket.
I never wanted your heart to ache.
For you to stare blindly at your
So, I dealt with it alone.
Walked to the nearest store.
Head down and eyes low,
I cried enough tears to fill a sea.
Averting the stare of the pharmacist
As I exchanged my $50
For 1 Plan B.
Mommy, I know you aren't
Proud of me.
I'm just trying to understand
Who I was meant to be.
I wasn't always right.
And from that truth, I still run.
I've had lots of experiences, mommy.
But they're clevery hidden behind the word "fun."