letter to the dearest.


Dear mommy,

I'm sorry I'm not perfect,

I don't work hard enough

And I only care for "nonsense." 

But I've always wanted to look

Like the girls on the t.v.

Haven't you ever dreamed

Of being a beauty?

I'm sorry for the day

You found out I was bi.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry"

Is all I could manage to lie.

But your words bruised

Black and blue.

Why couldn't I just be honest

With you?

"Look at me mommy.. Please look."

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for those guys hurting you.

But mommy, can't you see you've hurt me, too.

Why was I weak when the boys hurt me?

Weak still, when the school kids tortured me?

Why was I a bitch when I just wanted your attention?

When awful words about me were all you could mention?

Why was I a whore, when I could barely spread my thighs?

And the day I learned how,

Mom, I'm sorry that I lied.

But he called me, mommy,

That same night.

He told me he didn't love me, and,

Mommy, I cried.

For months and months, but I learned

Alone, I would survive. 

I know you know the feeling, mommy,

but you don't try to compare.

All those nights I cried alone to my pillow in bed.

Thoughts of never leaving manifesting in my head.

I wished I could have cried to you, instead.

"But you know that's not an option," I said.

Keep the tears to yourself,

It's just what I was taught.

Head up and shoulders back.

Look like what you're not.

I wished I could tell you,

When he lied about the condom.

But I sucked up the tears

And hid my feelings in my pocket.

I never wanted your heart to ache.

For you to stare blindly at your

Walking mistake.

So, I dealt with it alone.

Walked to the nearest store.

Head down and eyes low,

I cried enough tears to fill a sea.

Averting the stare of the pharmacist

As I exchanged my $50 

For 1 Plan B.

Mommy, I know you aren't

Proud of me.

I'm just trying to understand

Who I was meant to be.

I wasn't always right.

And from that truth, I still run.

I've had lots of experiences, mommy.

But they're clevery hidden behind the word "fun."


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