Oh, Laury,

How I wish I was as brave as you,

that I could do the things that you do.

How I wish I could march outside,

with wear curly, wild, fiery red hair,

wearing neon pink rain boats, white polka-dotted leggings,

a stripped sweater under a heavy, green winter coat,

and black garden gloves during the summer.

Laury,

How I wish that I were as strong as you,

that I had the strength to walk up and down the hallways at school

singing “Hallelujah” loudly while dancing.

How I wish that I could tell Evan that finally

after three days I

found that stick of gum he lost in my hair.

And oh, how I wish more than anything

that I were as brave as you,

that I could hold my newly shaven head high

and smile at wide-eyed passersby.

But Laury, I’m not.

Oh, Laury,

How I wish that I was as brave as you,

that I could bear the things that you do.

How I wish that I could endure

three hours on a metal bed

with the worst thoughts wondering in my head.

Laury,

How I wish that I had the strength to suffer

through four years of blood work,

three chemical baths a week,  two rounds of radiation,

and one double mastectomy.

And oh, how I wish more than anything

that I could look in the mirror, smile,

and convince myself that today wouldn’t probably be the last.

But Laury, I can’t.

Oh, Laury,

How I wish I were as brave as you,

that I could see the things you do.

How I wish that I could smile

as big as you at the man in the white coat

when you said,

“Only three pounds this half-week, doc.”

How I wish I could laugh in as much pain as you,

find the strength to run around the room,

dancing to piano music, and making mom

cry harder than she’s ever cried before.

Laury,

How I wish that I were as complacent as you,

that I could accept becoming paler with every day,

stand, and watch myself, frail, and waste away.

How I wish that I were as brave as you,

that I could smile because I couldn’t cry,

because I knew that I might not have as many

days as I have fingers on one hand.

And, oh how I wish more than anything

that I lived life as you did

when I had you.

Oh, Laury,

how I wish I didn’t miss you.