Insanity of Insomnia.


I have caught myself, talking to my mind again. It’s alright, nothing to worry about. I like it that way. Being in a place where you are me and I is you. We are all the same. We are all myself. Now the thoughts are creeping in.. Because lately you have been searching in your past. Looking back, everything is different now. What did you expect? Did you think that you were the center of the world? Of course, you have heard this a hundred times. Did you never understand the meaning before? It has clarity now. The meaning is bouncing off of memories. I feel different. I sought out this feeling. I did it to myself. I needed to understand it. That when you decide to get up and go and change. That everyone else also goes. They go where they want to. They go where they need to. They go wherever their mind lets them. Unlike your mind, which is uncontrollable. It’s here and there and thinks and burns with ideas. Then all of a sudden, the light goes out. I’m forced to be alone in darkness. I’m not really alone though. I’m with myself. I’m with this voice in my head. Sometimes I like to let it out so I can hear that it’s real. Sometimes I let the voice control me. It leads me to far off places. Sometimes these places get dark. Then sometimes it goes so far into the dark I forget who I was. All that’s in the darkness is the unknown. Not knowing gives me the most fear. This fear always resides in my head. It’s similar to the monster under your bed. Although, this one isn’t hiding under anything besides my eyelids. Don’t fall asleep it says. I’m hungry, it says. Feed me. Feed me your fear. Feed me your insecurities. Feed me your doubt. Feed me your resentment. Feed me your failures. Feed me, I will be your hunger. The monster can speak through your head, like it does mine. You think it’s you. Is this you? Is this who you are? Are you this monster? How did I change? Who am I? Who did I become? Where did I go? Who was I before this? Does it matter? I’m here now. Like the people you let go. You think you know them. You knew them. They are different now. You didn’t put them on pause. You are not the center of the world. You cannot control everything. You can’t even control yourself. So why are you dwelling in the past? What are you trying to find? Who are you looking for? Are you looking for yourself? Maybe. Are you looking for who you were? Are you trying to find something that brings back memories of a better time? What are you running from? Oh yeah, the voice. Wait. Even if you bring these people back, won’t the voice still be here? Then you will be stuck in between a place of then and now. Somewhere where fear is static. It’s full of energy. Every little thing will make you afraid. Being awake will make you afraid. You can’t even get your eyes to shut so you can fall asleep. There’s someone in your head that will bring you to terrible places. I really don’t want to vacation in my nightmares tonight. No need to go anywhere. I’ll just stay awake. No. You can’t. It’s here too. It’s everywhere. I need to get away from this fucking voice. I can’t sleep. I can’t stay awake. I’m tired as all hell. I’m stressed. Who can help me? What can save me? Maybe there’s something that can distract me. Some elixir to get rid of this voice. Maybe then you can get out of your head. You can get out of the house. You can live. You can be in reality. You can be in the now. You can be with everyone else. You can be with other people beside yourself. You can listen to other people’s voices. You can hear what they have to say. You can listen. You can hear the leaves rustle. You can hear the rainfall. I need this. I need to get away from myself. I don’t need to figure out  how or why I became someone else. I need to be someone else. I need to silence these thoughts. Starve the voice. Quench yourself. Then when you forget what was holding you back, Slip away. Slip away into sleep. Just prepare yourself for when you wake up. The voices may cry to be fed.      


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