Infinity

I remember you telling me,I was better off without you,that the world was better offwithout you. I remember how those conversations made my heart stopand turned my body to lead,weighing me down with fear. I remember riding in the car, my knuckles white,my stomach in my throat.Watching you weave in and out of the lanes.Years went by and yetit felt like my life could end at any moment. I remember when I was little,I was sitting on the hallway floor, crying.You came up to meand tried to get me to smile.How sweet.Until I didn't immediately cheer up.Then, you were mad at me,which made me cry harder.  I remember the call,that you were in the hospital.You ran your bike into a wall.You were pretty beat up.Your face bruised and swollen,just like my heart.Like father like daughter.  I remember leaning against my door,listening for footsteps.Scared to come outwhile you wandered around the house.I didn't want to see you like this, slurring your words and looking so miserable.  But I still loved you. I remember our competitions.Pointing to our eyes,then our hearts, then each other.Racing to see who could gestureI love you first. I remember arguing.I would tell you I love you morethen you would disagree and say,I love you most.  I remember how we made infinity our thing. To infinity and beyond,that's how far our love stretched. I remember in the summerwhen I'd beg for underdogs on the swings, and you always delivered.How we'd collect berries from the treesand make pie that turned our teeth purple. Taking Champ for walks around the block,and our bike tripsgoing between my two favorite parks.  I remember all the good times,and I love you deeply for them. But I also remember all the bad. Did you love me? You told me you did,all the time.But, the fearand the guilt,and the sadnessyou brought into our house wasn't a very good indication.  You shouldn't have scared me.You shouldn't have endangered me.You shouldn't have abandoned me. I'm your daughter.You should have been there for me.You're supposed to take care of me I shouldn't have had to take care of you,that wasn't my job.Yet, it was job.I shouldn't have had that responsibility.You made me feel like I wasn't enough. That's not okay.  I deserved better. But I forgive you,because I love you. 

This poem is about: 
Me
My family

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741