You ask if I’m alright, always expecting a simple ‘I’m alright’, or ‘I’m fine’.
And that’s what you get, because that’s what you expect and I know that so it’s okay.
Because you don’t really seem to care what’s going on in my head.
And I’m not saying you’re a bad mother, not at all, because I love you. I really do.
But it’s hard sometimes because I can tell you don’t really care.
I can tell that I’m just a hassle when you ask me if I’m alright - can tell that you don’t really want to know. You just wanted to ask because that’s what a good mother does, and while you’re not a bad one you’re not a perfect one either.
The truth is, I’m tired, mom.
Not just physically, but emotionally.
I know I don’t sleep enough.
I know that I have a hard time keeping track of things - and I don’t mean to do everything last minute.
The truth is I have a hard time remembering to do certain things,
I’m not sure myself the reason why,
Just that I always have to deal with things it seems
And I never remember what all that entails.
I know you get mad at me for forgetting things,
But you also know that I have to write things down so I don’t forget,
But sometimes I lose those notes
It would be helpful if you just started reminding me
Instead of doing it for me or just scream at me because I forgot.
I forget a lot of things these days.
I forget that I don’t have a lot of time left at home
And that soon you’re going to be home alone while I’m off to college.
I forget times I have to go to work,
And sometimes I have to call in to make sure I’m coming in on time.
I forget to bring coffee cups and bowls downstairs,
And although I bring them down it’s usually the day after I’ve brought it up.
And I know that upsets you.
I know that.
And I love you to death.
But you need to remember that I’m tired.
That I don’t always remember things and
There are times where I just want to go to sleep,
A lot of times I don’t just want to go to sleep.
There are times that what I really want
Comes out as broken skin on thighs leaving scars that may never go away.
There are times where I
Seriously consider taking that option - wonder whether or not it’s worth it.
Everyone keeps saying that
I have so much left to live for
I have such a bright future ahead of me
I’m so bright
I’m so nice
I’m so pretty
But I’m not.
And I don’t see why people are
Looking out for me.
I’m not really worth that.
And these are the things I don’t tell you
And the reason when you ask me if I’m alright
And why I just say “I’m fine’
Because no one wants to hear about that
And I’d much prefer to keep those thoughts
In my head
Where they belong.