If I Must

If our story is over

Let me be the first to write the endnote

Let me be the first to close the cover

To burn the pages where I scribbled your name in my dreams


And if the pages are burning

Let me be the first to step into the flames

Let me be the one who breathes the fire

Not just the smoke it provides

And let me melt away

Like my heart the first time we kissed


And if you ever wish to kiss me

Don’t bother

That memory is still fresh on my lips

And just because I love the smell of almonds

Does not mean I will drink your cyanide tears, anymore.


And if my tears fall to earth

Let them water the trees

And speak to me as they have so many times before

Let them water the garden I helped you plant

Even though the life is all gone now

Even though the soil is buried beneath snow with all our best memories.

Let them melt the snow and grow new roots

Roots stronger than the ones we made together.


And if you ever care enough

To remember the roots we made

Let me be the first to remind you

How you ripped them out like weeds

How you tossed them to the wind like leaves

Let me be the first to catch the breeze

The winds that lead to a new season

Since a season is all I ever was to you


And if our season is over

Let me be the frost on your windows

Let me be the first to freeze the dew

To crystallize the tears I left behind

And make snow angels with all the plans you never meant to keep.

Let me walk on the icy road to my house

Where I finally threw out your toothbrush

And I will not fall


And if you slip on the ice

Do not be surprised if I do not follow

Let me be the first to show you how it feels to fall when no one is there to catch you

A lesson you taught me oh so well

And let me be the first to smile

When the sun returns in the spring

When new flowers push up through the earth and into the light


And if you see me smile

Let me smile

It is not because of you

And it hasn’t been for some time now

And it will never be again.


And if you ever regret

Letting me walk away

Letting me take my smile with me

Letting my heart find new soil to bloom

Let me be the first to thank you

For never loving me at all

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