I wake up in the middle of the night, my eyes low, my breath shallow and sharp. 

I lay down in the middle of the day, tears stinging my eyes, bleeding arms and hips. 

I light a cigarette, smoke away the pain, tap it and let the ashes scatter

Scatter

Like my mind, scattered and afraid and dangerous

Like my mind the day on the bus, the day a the park

"I love you" he said 

"I love you" 

"i love you" he rubs his hands against my hips

I can't do anything but cry. 

He slides up my skirt, "I love you" 

It was all wrong. 

all wrong. 

I run away. 

"youre so beautiful" 

I never want to be beautiful again. 

Like in fifth grade, all the way to eighth. 

The names they called me, the shoving, the yelling. 

"I hate you." 

Freshman year, the flying fists, the fake friends. 

"i hate you." 

Everything that happened that i can't bring myself to write

and people have the nerve to tell me to get over it