December 7th , 2011.
That was the last day I saw you.
You, my mother, my guardian, the giver of my life
And the reason why I get to breathe today.
You, my mother, didn’t die,
But the person I knew you as did.
The person before that day was one whom I trusted with my life
And one I would give anything for.
You gave me hope,
You gave me everlasting best friends,
You gave me warm meals every day,
And you gave me a shoulder to cry on.
You, my mother, gave me someone to look up to.
As a child, I didn’t understand the monster you spoke about
Or the demons you said haunted you before you went to bed.
I didn’t understand why you cried every night,
Or why I never saw my father.
You were my mother, it hurt me to see you so sad.
I never understood how bad it was getting,
Until the bad became all that it was.
The warm meals,
The goodnight kisses,
The trips to the park,
“Mommy and daughter” days,
Taking my siblings and I to school,
It all came to an abrupt stop.
I barely saw you mom,
I didn’t know where you went.
You would spend days in bed,
Or you would leave in the morning,
And not come back until the next night.
Every day I asked you, “Is everything okay?”
You responded to the question as if I insulted you.
You would yell at me,
Slam the doors,
Start crying in the middle of the living room,
And then you would leave again.
All I could think, “Where did mom go?”
But then the day came,
That day I didn’t expect.
You woke me up,
It was time for school.
You took me to school for the first time in three weeks,
The drive was silent, you didn’t say a word to me.
And as I got out of the car, you told me bye.
Little did I know that was the last goodbye I would say to my mother.
I got off the bus, and I went home.
I didn’t see you, but I saw my dad.
I haven’t seen him in months.
I asked where you were,
And he said you were gone.
In that moment, I felt my heart shatter.
You, my mother, you were gone?
That didn’t seem right, you couldn’t be gone!
You were my mother, how was I going to live without you?
I was eleven, I didn’t know why you were gone.
It’s coming up to be eight years since I saw you.
In these eight years, I’ve had many emotions towards you.
I was mad,
I was angry,
I was furious,
I was devastated,
I was heartbroken,
I was lost,
And I was baffled.
But I’ve learned many things since the last day I saw you.
The monster you talked about was my father,
And the demons that haunted you are called Depression, Bipolar Disorder, and Personality disorder.
You disappeared every day to see another man.
As a child, I couldn’t comprehend these things.
I didn’t understand why the good became bad
Or why you did the things that you did.
I know today, that you are no longer my mother,
Because my mother became lost in a cloud of madness and she disappeared.
You are broken, and I’m no longer mad at you.
I understand now that forms of depression come in many ways,
And coping mechanisms are different for everybody.
As a kid, you hurt me.
But as an adult, I hurt for you.
You taught me that mental health is serious,
And seeking help doesn’t make you weak.
Because of you, I want to help others,
Because mother, I wish I was there to help you.
December 7th, 2011.
I realized that I had to grow up,
I had to be there for my siblings.
I had to be the one to put warm meals on the table,
I had to be their shoulder to cry on, as you were for me.
I had to ensure that they were okay, just as you did for me.
But to this day, I still miss you mom.