I suffered in silence but

humor was my way

If everyone else forgot about it...couldn't I?

I was okay with you laughing with me 

because it was mine to joke about 

but when it wasn't humor 

it was silence 

it was the feeling of invisible neglect that you had created for me

was that mine to joke about too? 

you're overthinking again, you always do, but let me stop you before you make me believe that I am alone again

before you make me believe that I am invisible and nobody can hear me

you are right infront of me speaking 

but you cannot hear me 

I try to overcome you but I simply cannot because of the seeds you've planted in me

deep-rooted all the way to my core

I began to rot

I was 5 

at first i thought you were a comfort

a safe place

a wonder

at age 6

you watched my family say "It's mosquito bites"

"it's poison ivy"

was that my joke or yours? 

at age 7

you watched people ask my sisters "what happened to her?"

"is she okay?" 

at age 8

you watched my mom cry in her room afters he had told me she felt like she couldn't save me anymore 

at age 9 

you watched me cry and throw up before school

you watched me beg my parents to let me stay home 

you watched them send me on the bus 

and finally you watched the bullying show you why I was so afraid 

I realized at age 10 

I couldn't wear shorts anymore

I couldn't leave my house without long pants on

something so simple

I couldn't even do anymore

I was alone 

you watched me get tormented by children

you shared that voice in my head that was only supposed to be mine 

with me 

you asked me "what's wrong with you?" and you watched me look for an answer 

at age 11

I realized not only had you taken over my inside but you started to show on my outside

you took something away from me that I could never have back

you suffocated me and tied weights to my feet in what seemed like a never ending tide

a red fish in a sea filled with blue fish 

the reality of life 

your own television series 

and I was the main character

at age 12

you watched my family give up on me 

at age 13

you watched my family fall apart because of my suffering

at age 14

you stopped, did you feel bad? was it finally my turn to tell a joke? 

at age 15

you watched my big sister drive me home from school, you watched her cry, you watched her smile and look at me as she told me

"you're the only person I know who went through what you did. Im proud of you, you did it, you survived"

at age 16

you watched me put on shorts before school for the first time since age 10

you watched me laugh and enjoy life for the first time since age 7

you watched how humor was my way

if everyone else forgot 

so could I 

if everyone else could laugh with me

so could I

I was alone

but I had humor

humor helps trauma

I had my one joke that no one else could relate to 

and you could laugh 

because it was mine to joke about

just like how my scars are mine to look at

and yours to keep away from

you watched until there was nothing to watch anymore

you waited for me to stop suffering 

and I finally did 

a month later I walked into a nail salon and saw a girl who dealt with you too

she looked at me

she asked me what my name was

and thats when the humor stopped.