The Hopelessness of a Smile

Who is the real me? Am I the person who people look to for a good laugh when they’re feeling down?
Am I the person who is there for my friends and family in their times of need?
Am I the person who smiles and laughs with the people I care about as if everything is alright?
Yeah, that’s me, wholeheartedly.

But I’m also the person who keeps his true pain and angst deep inside.
I’m the person whose true thoughts locked away and in turn cause them much personal turmoil.
The person who looks at the world as a never ending pivot of sadness and hopelessness.
Yeah, that’s also me wholeheartedly. They both are.

I’ll wake up in the morning and get dressed for the day.
I’ll go to school and make my friends and teachers laugh and make them feel better.
And then go home and rest my head and have constant visions of dying young but not fearing it and sometimes, I even welcome it.

This feeling has been like a shadow to me. It has followed me for years and I can’t run from it.
I know it’s there but I don’t fear it.
It’s all me. It’s all real. They are both me but I only show one to the public.

I mask the other side for a very simple reason; I don’t want the problems that’ll come with the revelation.
The thoughts that something is really wrong with me.
The constant pity that I don’t need nor want.
And just people looking at me different and no longer as the person they know me as.
I don’t want any of these scenarios to take place and so I only show the side I want people to see.

Have I ever thought about telling someone? Of course
Will I ever tell someone my absolute true feelings? Doubt it.
I feel like if I tell someone, they would not fully understand what I want them to comprehend.

Will these demons one day let me rest? Doubt it
Will the happiness I long for finally be real and not something I dream about? Doubt it
Will I ever look and the fact that I wake up every day as a blessing and not as a cure? Doubt it.
Maybe one day if I finally meet somebody I feel will not judge me and will fully understand what I want them to, then maybe I’ll finally pull the curtain back and take off the mask.
But until that person walks into my life, then the side that people see will be the side that they will ever know about me.



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