Heartless from the Start

Pretty face, heart not yet stone; run the world but feel alone. Heartless friends are what I know; if they care it doesn’t show. Always giving all my heart, always loyal from the start. Change my looks change my ways anything to make them stay. Catch their tears and dry their eyes but never let them see me cry. I care too much for my own good; I give them all I ever could. Give them my all, they still want more but never do they settle the score. When they hurt I feel their pain; theirs I keep, mine I gain. But I can’t tell them how I feel; they don’t think my pain is real. “Your life is great” I hear them say; “you’re not allowed to feel that way”. Just agree, nod and smile hide my feelings for a while. Not supposed to show I’m sad, convince myself life’s not so bad. Fixing people is what I do then ask myself “who’s fixing you?” Thoughts run wild inside my head from life’s rough times and words unsaid. Fit the mold play the part I let them in to take my heart. Fake it all to dull life’s damage this is how I try to manage. Becoming numb, emotions dead; it’s how my life starts to be lead. Make them laugh and be the one, make sure they’re all having fun.  Start to build my life on lies I’m not human in their eyes. I see the best times not the worst all because I put them first. I’m naïve to see it so; they hurt me, I take the blow. But why no matter what I try, does everyone just leave me dry? Even those who swore they’d stay aren’t here by my side today. They give up when things get tough and tell me that they’ve had enough. Wonder what I’m doing wrong, convince myself I don’t belong. Left me hurt by what was done and what was said they might as well have left me dead. Picked myself up, moving on: starting now never again to be a pawn. Though my heart’s now ice my looks are hot and my charming smile is what I’ve got. What I have I’ve learned to flaunt, I’m all that guys ever want. I manipulate, I get my way, I somehow make them want to stay. Until I show just who I am then I’m nothing once again. You can use me anytime, but I’m the first to say goodbye. I’ll throw it right back in your face I know I’m easy to replace. They don’t see a soul, don’t know I have a heart, sometimes I don’t either by the way I tear people apart. I make new friends I feel some hope, but then I start to get too close. I push them away like all the rest though I know they only mean the best. Those that do break down my walls are about to see my greatest falls. I try to run from what’s trapped inside, I do anything to get a high. Never fail to seek out trouble: drunken nights and random men, same old shit yet again. Surprisingly my new friends stay, try all they can to stop my ways. I ask for help and say I’ll change, but I’ve grown fond of the troublemaking game. They never fail me in my times of need, when they need help I fail them with greed. They give me endless second chances I start to take their love for granted. I know this act, I know it well; from years ago when I was the one put through hell. I’ve become the friend I’ve learned to despise, but this time death could be my demise. It’s all getting out of hand, police cars and handcuffs not part of my plan. It starts again; I lose my friends a vicious cycle that never ends. It’s too late now the switch is flipped a prisoner in addiction’s grip. The storm goes on for a year, what’s left after the smoke clears? I’ve destroyed all in my path this time there’s no getting it back. Those who dared to stick with me before the storm now most aren’t with me anymore. I’ve lost all that I’ve ever had; I was too good at being bad. I’m left alone to clean my mess; I deserve it like all the rest. My friends have left and I see why, I’ve ripped them up on the inside. I’m the one who bears the shame though I know I’m not alone in pain. I know I did this to myself, but to do this shit to someone else? Starting over, this act’s getting old, still alone don’t run the world. Now I see I fit this part: maybe I was heartless from the start. 

This poem is about: 
Me
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