For a very long time, I was alone;

not because I wanted to be, but rather because of the way that

I would stare at the sky and be amazed by the clouds that would float

like tiny castles in the sky.

I didn't mind because

as long as I smiled,

I could still have friends.

 

I was very good at pretending;

ask me to be anything, and I could.

Happy, sad, angry, every emotion

and I could do it.

I was starved for the attention I never got and

in return,

I only got it when I was useful.

 

I was a smart girl, above average;

creative, athletic, slim, quiet.

Very lucky to have a home

and food

and warmth,

a couple people to

pass the time with.

 

So when I became alone again

it was terrifying.

I knew that I couldn't scream

because they would hear.

I couldn't react

because they'd win.

I couldn't feel

because then it would all tear me apart.

 

'Don't let them see you sweat.'

'Why are you crying?'

'Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about.'

'You're not being bullied. You're just too sensitive.'

'Why don't you have any friends?'

'Slut.'

'Skank.'

'Stupid.'

'Idiot.'

'Weirdo.'

'Different.'

'No, I don't want to hang out with her.'

'She's evil/gross/mean/snotty.'

 

Don't tell me you've heard the same things

and it rolled off your back.

I'm emotional and

delicate and

I feel the breath that you let out

when they don't look.

I know that feeling when

you can't tell anyone because of the

death threats, the texts, the messages, the posts.

Please don't hide,

please speak up,

because I promise that

I will listen.