Dear Monster

                Since I cannot legally use your name or actually have contact with you, I’m writing this letter wondering if you’ll ever feel my words. Although you did and continue to ruin my life, I wish to express gratitude toward you. Thank you for showing me what love is. I discovered through your mental and physical abuse that relationships are supposed to be gentle. And although I may never understand how to react to that type of love, at least I’ll never be in another abuse relationship. Thank you for teaching me not to trust at such a young age. Thank you for showing me that my family will be there for me no matter how bad in mess up. Thank you for letting me learn that I can say no.  I want you to know that there will always be hate in my heart and body toward you. I will always be disgusted with the touch of my own skin.  Every time I hear your name or see you when you’re not actually there I have that blurry nauseous feeling. It’s the sensation that makes me feel like I’m going to cry and fall over or scream until I’m numb. The feeling I wish you felt just once. And every time I look at the backseat of my car and knowing that no matter how many times I wash it, it will never be clean. And no matter how many times I try to sanitize my head my memories will never be unsoiled. Even religion and going to church everyday cant sponge the dirty feeling you gave me.  Don’t you think I’ve been tortured enough? Don’t you think the joke is finished? Wake me up. Release me from this trap of living everyday with no resolution. To get up and not be able to plant my feet on the ground. Being tied to my bed every morning and chained to my thoughts every day. I have to walk through the clawing hands of judgment and hate forever. They rip me to pieces and throw me like a rag doll like you once did. But you don’t have to worry about all that do you? You don’t care in the slightest about what I’ve suffered. It’s because you’re the monster. And I would have taken my life by now if I didn’t know that in the movies the monster is defeated. But don’t be sad, you’ll make friends in hell.

                From, the girl that finally had enough