I want someone to listen to me. Listen to my story and tell me when I’m done “That’s some deep shit you waded through.” And then say nothing.
I want someone to hear my whole story My whole damn story and tell me nothing. I want them to listen, and listen hard as I talk about my cowardice and my courage.
I want them to feel the truth like I feel it. To know in their stomach that what I say matters and is the whole truthful truth. I want them FEEL what I feel. To know what I know.
I want them to feel my fear, and know my terror. I want them to feel their gut twist as mine did all those years past. I want them to live what I lived by just listening to what I have to say.
I was barely 15. And I want them to know my ignorant innocence. I want them to feel it in their hearts as they understand my story.
I want to be heard.
Hear me now. I was 15, and he was 30. His hands touched where no one had touched, his body like a tick trying to suck my soul blood out. I was 15 and he 30.
My friend’s house was no safe haven. An uncle who free loafed off of his easy parents, was the first man to feel me. And feel me he did as many times as he could.
I told no one.
1 year passes and I tell people. They say useless information about how to meliorate from molest. Stupid sissy suggestions that pertain more to an alpaca’s ass.
They aren’t really listening. They hear me but do not understand and nor can they. They look for solutions where there are none. And say pointless things when they should just agree it was shitty or say nothing.
3 years later and I want someone to understand. To actually listen to what I have to say. To hear me and know me and judge me for who I am and not who they think I am. I am more than what I look. I am more than the new kid. I am more than my straight A+’s. I am more than a victim. I am me!
Look at me and judge for who I really am and not who you want me to be.
Some may say I am courageous, and others may say I am a coward. I say that I am two steps away from either. There are no cowards that are not courageous, or courage without cowardice. They fuel each other, and they fuel me. I am a courageous coward.
And I am proud to be me.