Nostalgic memories engulf my thoughts

As I sigh and close my eyes, drifting away from this harsh reality.

I go back to the days when there was no pain, when there was no "us" and "them".

When we knew exactly who was being spoken of,

When we knew who had done what

And when these scars didn't exist.

There were no wounds to heal, not then.

Way back then, when I was so naive

And I didn't know how you would hurt me, much less that you would.

I didn't know.

I didn't know of the hell you would put me through,

Didn't know how many nights I wuold stay up with you

Begging you not to draw more of the marks, or attempt to rest eternally...

 

...

 

I don't fucking beg.

Not EVER. 

But for you, I did.

Why?

 

Why did I swallow my pride for you?
Why did I turn my back on what mattered most?

Why did I try my hardest to make you happy, when I myself had begun to self destruct?

Why did I waste my time, when I knew you would never do the same for me and that I would never mean anything to you no matter how hard I tried?

Why did I risk my life for you, nearly taking it when reality hit me and I finally knew I would never be worth anything to you?

Why did I lose sleep over you and nearly starve myself to death?
Why did I follow you like a lost puppy?

Why did I always listen to you when you never heard a single word I said, or helped me when I needed it most, the way I did for you?
Why did I cry so much for you?

WHY DID I HURT MYSELF FOR YOU?
WHY DID I CHANGE SO MUCH FOR YOU???

...

... Because I loved you.

Yes. It's true. I did. But you could never love me back. You wouldn't. You were my world and you threw me away.

"You say you love roses, but what about the thorns? For you can only love if you love something completely." - Jack Strify

You must accept the flaws in perfection, in order to love, the way I did for you. You didn't care.

You couldn't love. You didn't love the thorns. As soon as you saw one, you threw my love away. You lied. You broke me. You set the rose alight, then crushed the remains and blew the ashes away. You didn't love the rose. You only used it for your own sick pleasures and personal gain. 

Of course you didn't. You couldn't. You would always abandon me at the first chance you got, yet I still went back. I myself could not do that. I had to stay with you. I couldn't bear to leave. But I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew you weren't going to say you loved me, nor would you ever do so. All you ever did was hurt me. But I still went back for more.

No matter what happened,

No matter how many times I was told to stay away from you,

No matter who said you weren't good for me.

I always went running back to you the next morning to cater to everything you asked of me. Bright eyes, a smile an ocean wide...

You would never know of what had happened the night before.

 

I would be sitting in my room, fresh new marks that made me pretty... 

Tears splashing onto my new beauty, stinging every time, hidden away from view so no one would know of what I had been doing, in order to keep myself from completely falling apart...I swore I would never so much as look at you again...

You had no idea. I would never tell you. You had to be happy.

So the next time I saw you after my breakdowns, I would lose the sense I had gained and hug you, silently forgive you, and break my promise to myself.

The concealment of my beauty was difficult, seeing as it stuck to the cloth I used to hide it from suspecting eyes. 

As you know, I can't sit still for long. My beauty soon seeped through the veneer, and I had to find a way to hide it again. 

Truth be told, I don't think I stopped bleeding for a good, long while.

 

My physical scars are gone, yes, but the ones in my heart and mind remain. 

They won't heal. I can never get rid of them.

I will never be free of them.

They will be there for the rest of my life.

Eternity.

I will be eternally broken. I can't trust anymore because of you, let alone love as deeply as I did you.

There is no room for apologies. What's done is done.

You can never take it back. You can never make it go away.

I nearly died for you. What we had is now dead. It's all over.

What was lost can never be restored. My sanity and what was once a happy life were lost for you, and I can never have them back.

There's no way to go back and reverse it. 

Because trust me, if there was?

 

I would go back. Yes, I would. 

But not so I could try harder. 

I would make it so that I never met you. 

Never cared so much about you.

Never destroyed myself for you.

Never wasted my time on you.

Never got hurt for you.

Never loved you...

 

I never asked for any of this.

I didn't want it! 

But now, it's over. Too late. The damage is done, and we can no longer claim our innocence. 

Those years together robbed me of them, helped me see the kind of person to avoid, and showed me what to never become again.