Behind My Blinds

Location

My life has been hidden by a set of horizontal blinds.

I’m afraid to open them up to people’s minds,

But when I do,

I have to put my Ray Ban’s on to help keep my cool.

Because everyone’s judgment is so disguised

And I am forced to shade my feelings and to not advertise

All of the pain and suffering from my emotions. 

Keep your charitable words to yourself, I don’t need promotions 

To make me feel valuable.

Keep your lies underneath the table,

As if you understand all that I have been through, 

I won’t let this situation become misconstrued.

 

I too represent the black youth

Now watch me make shit happen

Watch me reveal the truth.

 

I now have your curiosity 

But at the end of this piece

I will hold your attention.

And why?

Because you don’t know what hides behind my blinds.

 

Hiding behind my blinds, I notice

A two year old tugging on his mothers arm

But again, there is no reply

This has happened before, first thought is that there’s no harm

Until everyone finds themselves asking why? 

She had her share of addiction

But she claims its her high

To get away from all the friction

And to say good bye.

Juggling the image of a perfect wife and mother

Conversing on occasion, dope man would appear as her brother.

Rather than facing true life

And not being the accustomed mother and wife,

She chooses to take the easy way out.

Seems like every time shit gets tough, 

Thats the only option, without a doubt. 

Today is the day that her body has had enough.

By shooting up cocaine damn near every day

This was destined to be the way. 

Now this father and son are left 

Mother and wife-less.  

 

I fear what lies outside of my blinds

I fear that one day it’ll corrupt my children’s minds

Who am I to say what the future imposes

All the naive people will let stuff happen right underneath their noses.

So ill hide behind my blinds so I don’t become infected

I don’t want to be another who is expected

To fail and fall 

And be locked up behind bars with only one phone call.

Behind my blinds, I have enough familiarity 

Due to a grown ass man and his immaturity. 

My blinds protect me from the dangers outside

So sad to watch that baby cry when his mother died. 

Some people have a difficulty getting by in life

Prostituting, drug dealing, and killing someone with a knife.

They don’t have a set of blinds to hide behind;

That privilege has officially been declined. 

Slingin’ drugs to a 12 year old to make it by

Just to get that money that stacks up to the sky.

Little do they know, they pollutes our future

The fate of our nation will forever remain poor.

 

So today I choose to let you look into my life

Because what I’ve seen, I learn from

And it’ll make me a damn good wife.

I’ve had enough happen to make me numb

But I won’t let it bring me down

Not with all the positive influences I have around.

 

When people look within my blinds

What do they see internally?

Its a rare moment that I allow people to see,

So let me take this brief moment to explain what I can

Because I’m afraid that you may not agree.

I can’t afford to let my emotions slip away,

But I know it won’t change on Monday or Tuesday...

So if someone were to look into my blinds, 

See my personal experiences...

They would find a broken heart lying in a vacant box.

A broken heart from a broken father and daughter relationship. 

After all, it took two to make me and without one, I am incomplete.

No mending can be done

He can’t generate time, can he?

But thats beyond the point because this war has already begun.

I remember us watching airplanes arrive and depart

But suddenly I felt our relationship fall apart.

Airplanes reminded me so much of you…

Because I realized how quickly you could leave too. 

Funny because we never saw the same plane twice,

And I noticed that was our first goodbye 

But it seems like I had to pay the price. 

This cancerous heart, spreads to my mind

My trust for people has suddenly become blind.

Now I’m stuck here trying to figure out what I should do, 

Do I let him in

Or do I let him suffer too?

 

My poor stepmother…

He left her there to smother

In the lack of love he provides

After 14 years, they’re just realizing their love has died.

Shame on him… she would’ve been the perfect bride.

He got three babies with her but of course…

No ring on the finger.

Disappoints me to see her love linger.

That man is so afraid of commitment, 

He wouldn’t know how to love, even if he knew what it meant.

Weak and cowardly in all aspects of life.

Being around him feels like a knife

Cut deep in my throat because I’m always silent

I’m afraid to speak to him, because he is violent. 

Swing those mighty fists at me

And I’m afraid that I can’t and won’t be much friendly. 

There’s too much damage that has already been done

Shame on him, I bet he thinks he won.

But when he wants my love back,

I’ll tell him that my bags have been packed.

That I just didn’t go because I wanted him to see

How quickly I too could come and leave. 

If he thinks that I can forgive him

He’ll be down on those knees until they bleed.

 

I feel no sympathy for a man who stumbles into the house

That smell of weed and alcohol all over his blouse!

I’m so afraid of what happens to my little ones

They know he’s coming to grab them, first thing they do is run…

Snatches up the 7 year old

He’s officially uncontrolled…

She starts balling in his strong arms

But she’s the only who is alarmed…

No one else is around usually

But I refuse to let this brutality

Occur with me in the presence

In this residence.

I run to speak the words she no longer has.

This house filled with rage…

I have got to get my sisters out of this dangerous cage.

Lord, who knows what will happen next

I’m afraid that this situation has become too complex. 

I’m not one to usually pray

But I’ve got to make sure that this situation does not remain the same

So I ask that:

“God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.” [1]

I pray that God remains by my side 

Because this is not how life should be.

I want to help my sisters recognize 

That their mind and body are free.

This devil has affected way too many lives.

The mood dies in the room every time he arrives.

Could you imagine being in this type of situation?

Well guess what, this is almost half of our nation.

So many children are crying for love

But these are the types of things that people fear to speak of. 

So when you look behind my blinds

Don’t you dare tell me what kinds

Of shit you’ve been through

Until you’ve been through mine. 

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