Atrocities

These feelings that I've felt

Are not the kind that humans feel.

And most of these atrocities

Have spun me like a wheel.

I've lost hope for escaping

And can no longer see

How I've lived without these things

Burning inside of me.          

~~~

My heart was filled with sorrow,

With dreams of a tomorrow

Where I could find a decent life without a one to borrow

But I see that was no use

All it was was an excuse

An excuse to kill my fire

And to kill with great abuse    

 

I longed for such a change

Although it may seem strange

To live a life I would not like            

That would make me deranged. 

And it seems out of the blue 

That my wish indeed came true

And the jump to switch polarities

Brought forward to me you.

 

You helped me through confusion

The drama and the pain

But my views on every thing

I wished would've stayed the same.

I was no longer who I was only 4 months ago

Something else had moved in, and that something fought my ego.  

 

I tried to not resent you

For everything you had

But my ego took control of me,

My ego paved the path.

I hurt you many times                     

In an attempt to ease my pain

But I've better learned myself now

And can say I'm not the same.     

 

You pulled me through that wreckage

I can see that's true

But how you did so calmly 

I have not a clue.                          

 

As days began to blur

From week to month to year

You raised the question deep within me

What was there to fear?

What had my ego fought against?

What exactly did it need?

These questions brought on problems

I knew I'd have to heave.

And I looked deep within myself

Meditated everyday,

And I can tell you now

There was a lot I had to say.

But I worked hard to fix this

Twas the least that I could do

For someone who's been through so much

(That someone being you,

But not just you, for me too,                   

This was what I wished to view.)

 

And I knew once I'd be set free

You'd still be next to me.

 

And right there it may have happened,

I'm not the quickest to take note

But I found the fear had been tranquilized

The stormy seas calmed 'round my boat

 

The emotion flooded forth...

"How disgusting."

 

And yet, a part of me thought up

With narry a reason to be seen

The question you brought up 

That question you asked me.

 

Did I fear emotions? 

Could this have been true?

These atrocities didn't hesitate

When I was with you.   

 

I laid in bed for hours                           

Pondering this thought

And took me twice as long

To find this answer that I sought

 

"Tis not emotions that I fear

But how I would be viewed

These vulnerabilities inside

Leave me feeling nude."

 

I thought about this deeper

deeper, deeper still.

And came to a realization

I'm at the bottom of the hill.

 

I never made it up.

~~~

What were these atrocities?

What did they want and need?

It seemed that with a lot of these

they preferred to feed

on happiness and laughter

on shyness and belief

on innocence and faith

and my heart worn upon my sleeve

 

It took a puff of courage

that laid dormant in me

and left me in euphoria

why couldn't I have seen?

The voices pouring in my head

that told me what to do

I did not question all that much

until I realized

it was you.

 

You are my voice.

You are my reason.

You are the beckoning of each season.

 

No.

This was not normal.

I knew that for sure.

But the atrocities within

Were atrocities no more

They brought awareness deep within

And taught me many things

The voices bubbling in my head

Were ones that gave me wings     

I revealed to you this nervously    

A fear strung upon my spine

Would you take this badly?

Would you no longer be mine?

 

But you looked at me so stunned 

that I expected to be shunned.     

 

You looked frantically around   

For source of any sound

And whispered in my ear

Something that you, too, had found.

 

"I have those voices too!      

The same ones that you do!"

It seemed I could not move

Could what you say be true?

 

 

But that would make us two  

That's different: me and you.

 

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