A word that brings Fear.
That brings dysphoria, confusion, invasive questions
Fear of entering another's home and being attacked
By their transphobic parents
Fear of entering my own home
And being attacked by mine
Being yelled at that I am no boy
that I don't know what being a man is
but I guess I have never known what it is to be a girl either.
The fear of filling out forms
And struggling to check male,
The feeling that everyone who has ever told me I am not a boy
is standing behind me
My past lovers,
"I'm not gay, I never asked for this."
"Why do you want to be a boy, you're so pretty. Are you not just a masculine girl?"
"You're not a fucking boy, you don't have a penis. I've seen you wear a dress."
I check female.
Gym locker rooms, stepping in and hiding my chest
Job Interviews, obsessively focusing on if my voice is deep enough, rather than my answers.
Constantly deepening, hating, my voice, binding my chest, questioning if it would just be easier to fit into this gender binary
That we (for some reason) have created
Constantly being preoccupied with the state of my passing
To fit into this damn binary
In which I don't think I ever will
My shaky voice as I ask to be called "he"
To be called what I identify most with
But what others have already assumed I am not.