im not exactly sure how it began or when it started, all i remember is that you were distant towards me for what seemed like the second week in a row since we last actually talked about things.

it was too much for me this time.

 

ive been having problems with voices lately, whether it be them telling me what to do or bringing me down or just flat out screaming.

they finally broke me.

 

i told you i was going to sleep because i couldnt handle being ignored for another hour, but i wasnt even tired.

my head hit the pillow and almost immediately i began to sob.

i lay there choking on my tears for ten minutes until i decided to text you to try and get your help

but you didnt help

you only said sorry and made me feel like the one at wrong.

it reminded me why i dont go to people anymore.

soon enough you feel asleep and left me to the screams in my head and the endless tears rolling down my face.

 

there isnt really any other way to explain how i felt at that moment

everything inside of me hurt.

i cried out to you, begging for you to make it stop,

makeitstop, ithurtssomuch, pleasehelpme ..

i drowned in my own sorrow and i realized in that moment that i couldnt have felt lonelier.

 

it brought me back to my childhood

the very first time i began to stop telling my mother things

i had another nightmare and woke up sobbing as hard as i was right then

she asked what the nightmare was about, but i was too afraid to tell her

she left me alone in the bathroom that night.

 

it brought me back to last summer where my mother found out i was cutting again

she sat by my bed and cried on my chest

she said she couldnt figure out what she was doing wrong

she told me she was a failing mother

i wish i had the guts to tell her what was really wrong. now i can barely look her in the eyes because im afraid to catch a glimpse of the disappointment she holds for me now.

 

it brought me back to the time where i had a panic attack at your house

you wrapped your arms around me and told me that everythings okay

everythingsgoingtobeokay

i couldnt catch my breathe and i was so terrified

i wept for nearly an hour with you

you held me the entire time.

 

i buried my face into a pillow and sobbed until my heart and lungs couldnt take it anymore.

i called out for you, my mother, anyone

iveneverfeltsoalone

when i realized that no one was going to come and save me, i wiped my eyes and buried myself in blankets.

i stared at the walls for hours until my eyes couldnt stay open any longer.

im so sorry.