When you’re a child you long for secrets

Memories from long ago, hope for the future

Small collections of thoughts passed from person to person

“don’t tell anyone, please.”

You whisper between yourselves

It doesn’t matter to you then,

You have nothing to lose

Nothing worth losing in a childhood

 

Later,

the secrets come without warning

You’re older now – beginning to realise not to trust

What people say isn’t always what they mean

Things aren’t the same as they were.

Somehow, secrets carry more importance.

You’re still only young,

Maybe you share your secrets.

You still haven’t learned, not yet 13,

People can’t always be trusted in the way that you’d seen.

 

More and more, you think the things that you don’t say

You notice things, and keep them quiet

Our little secret

You little liar

How could you do that?

Why would you say that?

14, and things you’ve said you can’t take back.

It’s beginning. Life as you know it… gone

 

 

The older you get – 15 now, maybe

Secrets bare more weight than ever before

So many things that you can’t share, won’t share

You keep so much to yourself,

It’s easier that way.

People ask questions

You can’t help but feel, in a sick kind of way

Maybe these secrets give you purpose

Something you keep back from the world

Only for yourself

A sick pride

All is well

Except yourself.

 

That’s all ok,

Until one day – it’s not.

There’s more secrets, you’re 16 now and they’re sticking to you

Concrete on the roof of your mouth

 

You want to speak out, but it just isn’t working

Again, you wait for the dark comfort of night

Smile to yourself, this is your secret

Something for you, only for you

You lose friends now

It’s too much for them,

You’re too much and not enough at the same time.

It’s an achievement and a hell.

 

17, and all you know is

the secrets you once wanted have torn you apart

there’s a whole lot of you that is missing now

a slate wiped clean, but not clean enough

you have a past and it will catch up with you

it barely even matters to you anymore

you’ve lost all there is to lose

There are burdens you will hold for the rest of your life

All because of the secrets you cannot share

 

You will never be enough.

You will always be too much.