15 things I wish I could say to you...

One:  I hate you.

Two:  I lied. 
I don't actually hate you. 
I hate that you left me. 
I hate that by doing so you have reduced me to being a child angry at the universe for not getting what they wanted.

Three:  I miss you.

Four:  Every night I talk myself down from calling you, I miss you.

Five:  And every night, my hands break trying not to reach for that phone across that bed that used to be my lifeline to you.
I miss you.

Six:  As the saying goes, if you love something let it go, if it comes back it was truly yours.
Oh how you hated that saying.
And I understand why.
Because now I do too.

Seven:  Do you remember the time when you said you would stay forever?
I do.
I remember how those sweet words tumbled over your lips, kissing my heart, and leaving me blind.

Eight:  Do you remember, on that same night, you said goodbye to me?
Forever?

Nine:  I started to feel safe with you.
You were supposed to be there forever.
But forever turned to years. 
Years turned into months.
Months turned into days.
And then you were gone.

Ten:  I saw a blue jay the other day and it reminded me of you, for how could I ever look at one the same again without thinking of you.

Eleven:  I'm guilty.

Twelve:  For every second I've kept you to myself.  I'm guilty.

Thirteen:  For the nights when I stole you away from your world, to accompany me in mine.  I'm guilty.
But looking back I would never trade a minute of it.
For now I know that, what I thought then would be endless, was in fact oh so limited, I'm guilty.

Fourteen:  I miss you.

Fifteen:  I still love you.

And I'm waiting and hoping for you to come back to me.