I Fear Living

 

My mind won’t power down from all the thoughts that scare me

 

cause every day I’m living in a world I don’t want to be

 

I’ve been living for others and not myself for 21 years

 

so every day I wake up I’m facing my fears

 

it’s all so terrifying

 

not knowing who I am or who I will become

 

I know you’re lying

 

when you say I’m not the disappointment of your 3 sons

 

cause you’ve said it before

 

I don’t forget those moments

 

they ring in my ears like nails on a chalkboard

 

“why can’t you be fucking perfect?”

 

Years of misuse

 

Years of abuse

 

Made me question and doubt my own self worth

 

And long for my final ride in the back of a hearse

 

Cause I’m scared of being alone

 

of years of hard work with nothing to show

 

I’m scared I’ve wasted my potential

 

I’m scared I’ve lost my one chance of something special

 

I’m scared I’m to blame

 

I’m scared other people don’t give a damn about what I have to say

 

I’m afraid they’re right

 

I’m afraid I’m not afforded certain opportunities because I’m not white

 

I’m afraid of being abandoned

 

I’m afraid of rebuilding but not knowing how to begin

 

I’m afraid there is no god

 

Or that there is but my faith in him is gone

 

I’m afraid grandpa won’t be able to walk again

 

and the last moments I had of him were in that hospital bed

 

I fear this is the end

 

I fear what I did wasn’t good enough but what I did was my best

 

I fear I’ve burned out

 

and of others finding out

 

I fear my brothers will have kids but I won’t be around

 

but these fears are mine to deal with and fight

 

so long as each morning I’m alive I must be doing something right

 

I’m still learning how to conquer my fears but I’ve learned to say

 

it’s ok to say you’re not ok

 

so just by getting out of bed, I fight my fears every day