Pain and Me
I can feel the pain
sucking marrow from my bone
leaving a blinding headache behind
wishing for the pain to stop
Yearning for the ache to fade
Hoping for a moment of bliss
To come and wrap me in a hug
It's harder
Day after damn day
Acting like I am okay
I'm not fucking okay
Yet if I say
Guilt is but they make me feel
And that night I cry
Knowing they heard about my pain
And just turned the other way
I'm okay I say
Because if I speak the truth
They think I lie
"No way" they exclaim
Because they have grown up
Oblivious to the emotions I hide
And even the ones who see
Hust bits of the true me
Shy away
And eventually run
Even though they promise to stay
Yet no one ever stays
There's only so much broken
That friends family and loved ones can take
Little do they know
This Brokenness that resides inside
Isn't just mine
It's his and hers and yours
A magnet I am to the broken
It will stick inside
Become part of mine
With just a word or a look or a cry
From anyone beside
Or anyone I meet
"You're not God" a teacher once said
"You're not Invincible to pain you take too much inside"
She explained
And for this I knew
But I can't show it
To any one day after day
It sticks inside day after day
I change it
No one will ever know
No one will ever believe
This broken I have inside isn't just because of me
"Faker" they will say
"Liar" they will spit
Run is what they do
Day after day the cycle repeats
And I can't help it
You'll never know how much I take
I can't ever show
So day after day
I paste on the mask
And when I'm alone
It shall break
And I try to let it break free
And for a split second it does
Just to be sucked right back inside
You could see this mask slightly crack
But only when I write
And the pain is locked
Into page after page
Word after word
And slowly so slowly it'll finally fade
And I will have to
Do the same
The very next day or night
Writing
It helps me live
Helps this broken girl
Become less broken
And if I don't write or type
For some time
I become worse
It's bad I know
But medicine doesn't help
I don't think a pill exists
For a girl who not only has her pain inside
But the pain of others
Right beside
Mixed in
To form me
Awful
It might seem
And it is
But as long as I live
I know day after day I have
Sucked some others pain inside
And I smile
Knowing
Because of that
They will be okay
Even if
It kills me inside
-The real me