Through the Years

To anyone who thinks that they can’t get make it, to anyone who thinks that they will crumble under the weight of living, to anyone that is hurting, to anyone who is healing, and to anyone who is willing to listen, this is my story. This is how and what I conquered.

 

I was born with a hole in my heart.

Thankfully, it was discovered quickly and I was made whole again.

To me, it was a sign of things to come. The writing on the wall.

 

I’m 3

Back to the hospital, back to surgery, this time having cancer cut out of me.

My father is not a kind man

He prefers pills over parenting

Giving bruises over giving love

 

My mother, at first, was different

My best friend, my role model, I wanted to be her more than I wanted to be a princess

 

I’m 8

She chose a man over many

He was not unlike my father

Abusive to drugs

Abusive to her

My mother- part 2

 

I’m 10

Poison influenced words hurt more than wounds

“I never wanted you.” She told me, “Your father raped me.”

I have her hands

Why do I have her hands but not her love?

 

I’m 11

No parent should make their child feel like dying would be less painful and easier than living

But here I am with the weight of the world, my world, my parents mistakes on my shoulders and I have never felt so small

 

I’m 12

I’m sick

Of not having control over anything

Of being at war with my own body

But mostly I am just sick

 

I’m 13

No one told me that there would be nights where I would draw on my arm with a silver pen and red ink

But I realize that life, even in its most difficult times, is always worth living

Your pain can make you stronger if you let it

I’m starting to smile again

 

I’m 14

I don’t use my tears as gentle caresses to sleep anymore

I’m trying not to be afraid to love

Never become a secondary character in your own story

Sadness slips through the shadows when the night gets too dark

But that is tolerable

That is life

My pain is healing, I am feeling

 

I’m 15

I smile often, I am at home in my body, I am kind to myself

I have grown flowers from my pain

I am healthy

Depression is no longer my oppressor

I am in love with someone who is my living, breathing invitation to believe in better things

Someone who taught me how to love myself

I have gained more things and people than I can count, and I am happy

I have lost more things and people than I can count, and I am still happy

 

I’m 16

14 people I know pass away in one year

But I am equipped to deal with loss

Learn from every misfortune, it will make you fortunate

Do not think you aren’t loved

I promise you are so loved

Remember to love yourself, because that’s the person you spend the rest of your life with first and foremost

Pain is relative

When you’re so desperate to be understood, don’t forget to be understanding

Everyone you see has fallen in love, fallen apart, made a decision they regret, didn’t do something they wish they had, hurt someone they shouldn’t of, been hurt by someone who should not have hurt them

And so many other things

So many other possibilities

Please be kind

It always gets better

I’m 16 and I can take on the world

I cry tears of happiness instead of tears of sorrow

I am jovial, I am blessed, I am resilient

I’m 17

More people die, more people leave, new people come to stay

I have fallen in love again and again, and I have never once regret it

I have been abused again

I have been torn to shreds and pieced back again

but I will not retain hate for the person who did it

I am determined to give love, acceptance, kindness, and empathy

I will continue to live fully and love without hesitation

I have been through utter sorrow and joy that makes everything worth it

I may at times be shaken, be bent, but I will not break

I am not afraid, of anything

I have conquered

-Trinity Strecker