In the year of

still not our lord

but better known as 2016

I celebrated

I grieved

and was introduced to a newer

state of fear because of the

PULSE night club shooting

and who the majority of

the people decided to elect

as our new president

 

2016 was a big year for me

because I was lucky enough to

celebrate my third year anniversary

of coming out as transgender

and the third year anniversary

of failing my suicide attempt

at 16 years old

now I do wish that these two things

were not so closely intertwined

because while I want to celebrate

my body still remembers what it

felt like to be sucked down into

a pill-induced slumber

and how painfully dizzy the world

was upon waking up

and I am almost pulled under by

mountainous waves of guilt

but everybody has a coming out story

that never ends because of course it doesn’t

but mine just happened to start

with forty pills and waking up

knowing that something had changed

and that is okay

because I had to kill this part of myself

in order to ries from my own ashes

as a way of messy rebirth

 

This is where the grieving happened

it started in March

when I was happy to be alive

and my body was revolting against me

because I had tried to kill it

and it hasn’t really stopped since

I mean sure I can get up in the morning

and go about my day

but I slept like crap the night before

and there is a new and pressured

awareness of this extreme fear

that I had known existed

but was not having to fully face

until I heard about the PULSE shooting

and all my brothers and sisters that had been killed

had been targeted and shot down

because how dare they be transgender and queer

and of a different skin color

religion

sexuality

and gender than only a small part of the world

but that did not matter to this man

whom actions have been attributed to ISIS

and mental illness

but all that I see and know in my heart

is that this man was fueled by hate

and that is a terrible thing because

now the worst massacre in

almost the whole history of the united states

was brought on by a white man

that decided my brothers and sisters did not deserve to live

because they were different than he is

 

And then this grief

this fear

this anger

and a very righteous anger it was

and is and will forever be

came back tenfold when I woke

up in a world

that truly thought that

this horrible man who does not know

how an abortion works

and elected a man as his vice president who

thinks that shocking the gay out of someone

will actually work

the world thought this truly horrible man

would be a good president

that he was up to the job

and knew what the fuck he was doing

but when he opens his mouth

all that comes out are toads and clods of dirt

because this is not a fairy tale

no

what this world is going to be

for the next four years

is a nightmare for people like me

the minority is in constant danger of being killed

for being themselves

and daring to love a person of the same sex

 

But even though this world

has become even more of a capitalist

hell-scape than usual

there are good things to be celebrated too

because I am alive

I survived swallowing forty pills

and three and a half psychiatric wards

made me a much stronger person

and now I take pills because they help me

keep myself alive because my brain

is sick and that’s okay

and I have so many good dates

that I had made for myself

like a legal name and gender change hearing

and even though I am $117 poorer

and I almost puked and cried

and stimmed my way through the whole

process of filling out the papers

and saying “I do” for probably the only time

in my life

I am going to legally be the real me and my gender

is going to be an M

and I am slowly covering up the years

of hurt and turmoil with ink that makes me

happy because it covers the scars of my

past but also creates a brightness for my future

and while horrible things do happen

good will almost always certainly follow

and I thank a god that I do not

always believe in because I am alive

and I am alive

and I am alive

and I am alive

to watch people and the world heal