It started innocently in high school

Entering those broad double doors

Gazing at the slender and sleek girls

Wishing I could be one of them

 

I was content with what I had

Until I got those looks of

                Disgust

                                Repulsion

                                                Detestation

 

It continued on from there

Going to the mall with my friends

They try on swimsuits

I stay behind

 

Magazines litter the walls of my world

They show the beauty of life

Things I can never be…

                Pretty

                                Thin

                                                Happy

 

I start to eat healthier

Fruits, veggies, water

Exercise till my breath is out

But it’s not enough… still not enough

 

Skipping lunch will lead to faster results

Running more will get rid of fat

Maybe no more dinner either

Then I will finally achieve…

                Perfection

                                Beauty

                                                Attraction

 

I stop hanging out with friends

They influence me to eat

And I can’t have that

So I stay home

 

Step into the kitchen

So many choices

But I choose water

Then run three miles…

                Six miles

                                Nine miles

                                                Till I collapse

 

All my friends got asked to prom

But not me

It’s because nobody wants to go with a fat cow

Nobody wants to go with me

 

I feel lighter

But my mirror tells me different

It’s because I actually ate today

So for the first time I bring it back up….

                Once

                                Twice

                                                 All the time

 

 

My friends complain they never see me

Tell me I have a problem

But I don’t.

Because I am in control

 

I snapped at my mother

When she asked why I never ate

She says she’s worried about me

She says that I’m beautiful…

                 Smart

                                 Kind-hearted

                                                                All lies

 

My best friend said I was “seriously ill” today

She’s got it all twisted up

I just want to be like everyone else

Not who I am now

 

I weighed myself

Still not light enough

But if I don’t eat I will faint

But if I do, I will gain a pound

                Two pounds

                                Five pounds

                                                Ten Pounds

 

I fainted at school today

And woke up at the hospital

My mom was crying

The doctors were talking

 

They’re sending me somewhere

A place to gain weight

I don’t want to go

They say it will make me healthier

                                Stronger

                                                Happier

                                                                  Content

 

 

I hate it here

They make me consume calories

I’m not allowed to exercise

And I have to talk to a therapist

 

Friends send letters

Mom calls

I lay in bed

And cry

                 Cry

                                Cry

                                                Cry

 

 

I snuck into the bathroom

Told them I had to go

When really I wanted the food back up

Needed to feel light

 

But I stopped in front of the mirror

And I saw this figure

I didn’t recognize

She was small

                Bony

                                Pale

                                                Me

 

I’m doing better

Two months clean

I am starting to eat

I begin to accept myself

 

My therapist had me burn magazines today

Let go of the negative

It felt good

I felt happy

                Scared

                                But hopeful

 

I was released today

I hugged my mom

Called my friends

Slowing started my life back up

 

I now know what I did was dangerous

I didn’t realize how valued I was

More importantly I didn’t love myself

But now I know I’m….

                ….Beautiful

                                …. Loved

                                                …. Unique

 

Happy.