2017
bled out in color for me, a thousand
different shades tempered by jealousy and
reminding me that indeed they were
ghosts
of somebody I used to know that I
didn't anymore and I didn't
know how to shape myself into her
again.

it started with a
shaking in my hands,
a hesitance to answer
strangers
a distance I began
pushing between myself and other people
I was becoming a scared child again and
I didn't know how to stop.

I don't remember January, I never do
February, is a blur and March,
March was me gritting my teeth and trying to make it
trying to make what?
April, we were poor and I was starting to see
that I would work to survive
May she left and I realized you can't force anybody to be your
friend
and I left someone too.
it was so pathetic to feel that hollow and to wish beyond anything
she had not left me with it

June, I was renewed
I pushed and faltered
I failed and cried
and fell down on the stairs and screamed.

July, I wrote a book about
loving yourself,
it had no other meaning,
I turned seventeen

August I swam and
drifted,
my anxiety began to sway like reeds
and I chopped them down with my bare hands and swallowed them whole

I was myself again but it came in spells,
the shake

September-weeks were my hands clenched in my lap
as they talked about how amazing she was
I broke down and texted her
she said nothing but I'm sorry
no explanation was needed for I don’t want you in my life
and I got the hint.

she was toying with me, so
I dropped a class and took different paths to stay away,
quit a club we went together once,
I buried the good memories in my backyard
with her.

October I thought I could paint myself into who I wanted to be
but I looked stupid in photos and made a thorough fool of myself
at least having nothing to lose had
scared me out of fear.
I drew thirty-one pictures in a month.

I made up with someone, and noticed I was a bad human being. 

November, it looked like fall
and I was snowing,
it tasted like success and I wanted more,
I wanted to win
but she remained better than I
and I learned not to look to the sides when I needed to go forward.

December, I made cards for everyone I could
and I smiled again
there were 7 billion people besides her
and I hadn't met a fourth of them yet
and on new years I felt splintered,
but I tasted success between my teeth again and I wouldn't let go of it til my whole
body was intoxicated with it
but I would let her go until she was pounded into the dirt
along with my unhealthy fixation. 
and I did.
and someone else came
to take her place.