WHY?

A burning question that haunts my mind, especially during the night when I'm lying alone in my bed, feeling vulnerable and violated. Why would you do that to me, a innocent girl who didn't know any better?

Why would you touch me and talk to me like that, an innocent girl who should've been treated as a daughter, not a partner or a toy. 

Why would you ruin me like that? My childhood was taken from me without my knowledge, my mind was ruined. My sense of boundaries and what is right and wrong is damaged and broken. Why? Why? Why? Why would you act like a sick, twisted bastard. Why couldn't you have just been a normal, healthy father?

Why would you do it? Why would you do it! 

Manipulation, sexual comments, intimate touches, aggressive words. Why would you do all those disgusting and abusive things towards me? Why couldn't you have realized that I was just a child, I did not deserve it. I did not need that. I did not want it. 

I look at around me at father's and daughter's and feel a burning jealousy and anger. Why couldn't I have had that kind of normal, loving relationship? It is unfair, and my blood boils at the thought. Anger and bitterness is all I have, it is all I am made of, and it is all your fault.

Why did you have to fuck me over? 

Now I am violated. My relationships are full of distrust and fear. I am filled with doubt and paranoia. Everyday when the thought of what I went through crosses my mind, my throat closes up and tears fill my eyes. I have to squeeze them shut and hold my breath. 

Nobody will understand if I tell them what's wrong. They won't relate, and they won't understand why I'm so deeply wounded. There's a swirling storm of emotions stuck inside of me and I fear they will never be set free. I will forever be stuck in a dark turmoil. Forever traumatized, feeling so alone.

Why did this have to happen to me? Why couldn't you have looked at me to see an innocent child and not a woman. Why couldn't you have been normal? 

Now you're dead, and will never know the pain you caused me. Why did it have to end that way? Why couldn't you have apologized before you left? Coward. Why did you have to be so cruel and neglectful? Why did you have to come on to me like that? 

Why? A question that will never have an answer, and I am left wondering and feeling sick to my stomach everyday with no ending. 

Why do I blame myself? When really, you are to blame.