I waited for you in the hallway
But I did not hear your voice
I waited for your call in the night
But my phone did not stir
I waited for your love
But it would never be mine
I do not know who I am anymore
Who’s sonata I am playing in this auditorium of my heart
I do not know who’s voice is singing,
Chanting in the shadows of my temptations.
But I waited for your touch
And you touched me all over.
I waited for your kiss and you kissed me all night
I waited for your smile and your smile made me smile.
I miss you
I love you
I want you so badly to want me
To love me
To miss me
But you won’t
And you didn’t
Pain is not a new sensation on my tongue
She is a prodigy at suffering
Pain is the letter I wrote to myself in the first grade.
But I still wake each day hoping that this one will be better
I still hold the thimble in my hands
To thread my hope together
And hopefully create a scarf or sweater
To replace what I left in the closet
When I finally came out of it.
Pain is every memory that chains me to my bed on the darkest of days
And I know I never told you this
Any of this
And perhaps I should have
Perhaps I would have
But does it matter now?
Would it have meant more than the dust?
So I set you free
You were never mine to keep
Though you never said that you were
I release you to the wind
To find your love
Go find your joy
Find your peace
And let love find you
For though I hate how sour the truth can taste on my lips,
I will mourn your memory forever
And I will never be the man you want
And I will never be the man you love
And you will always mean more to me
But what will you do
when the wind stops blowing?