I think of when I was kid

young and naive.

Ousted by my own friend who left me for sports

and the other who left for Arkansas.

I remember the gravel I used to sit on 

silently combing the dirty stones and feeling the breeeze through my hair

I was probably one of 4 Asians in that grade.

And of all of them I was the only one who would hold my hand.

And when I was called gay

or faggot by the white kids 

I just bowed my head as my former best friend looked at me from across a crowded lunchroom.

And when I dressed up in traditional Chinese costume for Halloween

I held my own hand when the other children would

whine

and

squeal, 

"What's that. It looks weird."

It didn't matter that I grew up lonely,

because when I grew up to be a teenager the same kids who grew to bully me

tried to be my friends.

I guess they realized I was more than just a scapegoat to bully.

When I became dedicated in studies.

When I became popular.

When I learned to hold my ground.

I guess I would have changed that awkward preteen phase.

The moments where I felt more suicidal than homicidal.

Yet, I think it would be nice to photoshop someone to hold my hand.

Someone to hold me like you see in those bullshit rom-coms.

The guy who notices the sad girl and surprises them

because they each loved each other all along.

Me? I had a love for pills and razorblades.

A fascination with all things fire

and the love of nails scraping across ashy skin.

And if I could change the boys' urinating habits.

To make them wash their hands after they peed all over the urinal instead of just walking out,

Maybe they would have seen themselves in the mirror and realized they were cruel 

and spineless.

Or maybe they wouldn't give a damn.

It makes you question the whle notion of those "We're all in this together" cliches.

They should have just said "We're all in this together to make minorities feel worse about themselves"

Maybe it would have been a bit more believable then.  

Maybe that's what I would change.