What Makes You Happy

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Remembering the day I wanted to sing for my career feels like it was yesterday. It was all I really thought about. I really didn’t know if my voice was any good or if I even had the talent but I knew, this is what I wanted to do. Going to a small middle school, I was the only one that really cared about singing and wanted to continue it as a career. Beginning high school, I thought my choir would be like the TV show GLEE and I could be the Rachel Berry. But no, I wasn’t and it was nothing like I what I was thinking. I went into high school not making it into madrigals and barely squeezing into the alto section in my choir. There were girls extremely better than I was in and they made sure that the very confident freshman knew.

When it came to having a career in music or doing for a living, my parents would ask me questions like “What can you do with a music degree?” or “Do you really think you can support yourself by singing?” It was heartbreaking to me that they didn’t support the one thing I was good at or what I could see myself making a living out of. I could never answer their question. I threw my heart, energy and soul into my music, neglecting home responsibilities and even my school grades; I was on the verge of failing several classes.  Even with me throwing all my time and energy into the music, my grades in those classes weren’t even reflecting the hard work I was giving. It almost felt like I was working so hard for nothing. Nothing was going the way it should, home life wasn’t okay, school life wasn’t okay and soon enough neither was choir or madrigals. I would dread waking up in the morning because it meant I would have to go through another day of the same thing I went through yesterday. The girls would mock me and the teacher would comment on my physical appearance rather than my vocal ability. I didn’t enjoy singing anymore because I was afraid that if I voiced my opinion, my hair, my face and eventually, even my weight would be criticized rather than my singing ability. It wasn’t even music criticism any more, it was blatant bullying.

In the beginning of my 2nd semester I dropped out of both choir and madrigals. I never complained to another teacher or even my principal about what happened. I never told my friends the real story when I would come in crying after class or even my parents when I would climb into the car sobbing. But to me, singing was my everything; I just tried to get my confidence back. I was never a shy person, but I became one due to being bullied for something that wasn’t controllable to me.  I eventually realized over time I had taught myself to read music, play the piano and even memorize lengthy pieces because I wanted to impress the girls in my class or my teacher. I had spent so many nights memorizing pieces, perfecting my pitch and even going as far as learning the mezzo pieces in case my teacher needed someone to step in. I had taught myself these skills because there was no one there to teach me. I was left alone, except to be bullied; the teacher had even told me at one point, I’m not here to teach you.  

My sad chapter 1 in life had moved to a happy, more productive chapter 2. I tried my best to get my grades up. My 2nd semester of sophomore year was spent on stage. I joined theater and began to act. I finished my sophomore year confident and happy. I was able to sing happily again and by my 2nd semester of my junior year I was able to talk my parents into letting me study music. Although my teacher had said she wasn’t here to teach me, she did teach me something. She taught me to be a strong person and stand up for myself; I didn’t realize this at the time. At that time in my life, I had no confidence and was afraid that I wasn’t going to be a singer like I wanted. I wasn’t too great at anything else like I was at singing. But now I can say that I feel better about myself despite what the girls or my teacher had told me before. I have my skills, memories, and experiences locked and loaded, ready to go for college. I will become a professional singer and I will become that better person. Maybe it’ll take some more time, more criticism and another teacher like her, to get the music degree I want, but I know this time I’m not letting anyone stand in my way. 

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